SlapClap

In 1983 NBC aired a primetime special called Motown 25: Yesterday, Today, and Forever to celebrate Motown’s anniversary. It was a nostalgia trip return to the glory days of R&B- of black music in general. In ‘83 the charts were not exactly overflowing with popular black music. Just too many one-hit wonder New Wave bands and Police records crowding the charts. So on Motown 25 some of the old acts got together again to give an old era some new thrills. The Supremes got back together, as did The Temptations, and parents in living rooms bragged about Smokey Robinson to their kids, and about how much better music was “in them old days,” especially compared to- compared to…

That was until about halfway through the show. Then Michael Jackson went on stage and proceeded to out dance, out sing, and out perform everything that ever came before him in popular music. The parents all shut up, and at minute 3:35 everyone everywhere put their Men at Work album under the bed and shook hands with the future.

A graf artist, a beer brewery, MaxCore News… these are but a few of SlapClap’s (un)official sponsors. And we are proud to announce a new sponsor on the site, Christopher Willis. Maybe the name doesn’t jump out at you right away. Mr. Willis is from Oklahoma. He started reading SlapClap a year ago as part of a bet among friends on sleep, and who can stay awake the longest.

Last week, facing a guilty charge for possessing a firearm while on probabtion, Christopher ran out of a courtroom trying to escape in a high speed elevator chase. According to a spokesman for the police, Willis was chased down the hallway by a deputy and his lawyer. Wearing that shirt. Footage HERE.

(via manolith)

Considering how popular sharks are on the internet, we thought that the biggest news story of the day would be that great white sharks hunt prey like serial killers. Or maybe that Iran stuff again: And I-ran/I-ran so far away-aa/I couldn’t get away … from this news coverage!

Turns out it’s neither, because this morning, between the hours of 3 and 4 A.M. Toronto time, Will.i.am punched Perez Hilton in the face. As to motive, we don’t yet know. Maybe they were rehearsing for when they have to do it in 3 years on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

The assault is the first time Will.i.Am had a hit we’d pay money to see. Lady GaGa was also, maybe, there and we can only hope that Kid Rock attacked her to make it a perfect tempest of assaults on celebrities we’d like to see assaulted, by celebrities we’d like to see assaulted.

A grant program out of New Mexico called The Lunar Legacy Project compiled a list of all the crap we’ve left on the moon. Among other things, 1 Pair of Tongs, Small and Large Urine Collection Assembly (eww), and Film Magazines. It’s not specified, but we’re assuming issues of Premiere.

The list is sufficient, but incomplete. What it did not include was redacted by the government, however one of the perks of the Barack Obama presidency is that every citizen, who happens to be black, is given access to highly classified memorandums upon verbal request, excepting, obviously, the Jackson family and Ving Rhames. Here’s what they left out:

1. (1) Alabamian version of the bible.
2. (1) Floating chessboard, opening maneuver en passant: white takes black pawn, e5.
3. Alice Kramden.
4. (1) Vinyl copy of 1993 single “Over Now” from the album Coverdale & Page, autographed by David Coverdale. Not mint, having been dropped in a puddle of moon water (possibly, evidence of life).
5. (2) Makeshift shrines devoted to David Coverdale, surrounded by extinguished candles, and species droppings (unknown).
6. Marijuana cigarettes (several).
7. (1) Particle laser pointed at the sun.
8. (10) thousand lost television remote controls.
9. Neil Armstrong’s vibrator.

Many Voices, Many Vision, from the PBS archives.  (via buzzfeed)

Now before we get all post-racially outraged about this remember, white people do look ridiculous with perms. Unlike black people, who all look great.

And you made fun of Shia LaBeouf because he was studying his lines on the set?
Yeah, he was pacing back and forth and taking it really seriously, and I said, ‘We’re making Transformers 2! Have you even read the script? What else do you need to do?’ But it was really smart on his part because he was trying to find truth in what was on the page. And if that page isn’t good, then it’s the actor’s job to make it good. So he was doing his job; I was not.

Tell me about your next film, Jennifer’s Body…
I don’t even know what genre to call it…

Sounds like you didn’t have trouble researching that one…
The basic story is that this rock band sold their souls to get a record deal … (in it) I’m a huge slut. And they sacrifice me and it goes wrong. And I’m taken over by a demon and I have to feast on flesh and I start eating boys to stay alive. And it’s also about this friendship between me and my best friend, who is this homely girl, which Amanda Seyfried is not, but they make her look that way.

That sounds kind of awesome.
It’s the best script I’ve ever read.

(via EW)

Tupac Shakur. Black ink on paper, 12.6 x 9.4″

It’s hip to be snide about new media, but CNN wasn’t exactly boosting its journalistic bonafides over the weekend with its twice-aired rerun of Larry King interviewing the guys from American Chopper. Over here fellas, kinda making history right now.

http://twitter.com/hamednz
http://twitter.com/Shahrzadmo
http://twitter.com/knv
http://twitter.com/mousavi1388
http://twitter.com/smileofcrash
http://twitter.com/alirezasha
http://twitter.com/IranElection09
http://twitter.com/Change_for_Iran
http://twitter.com/IranRiggedElect
http://twitter.com/madyar
http://twitter.com/TehranBureau
http://twitter.com/y_shar
http://twitter.com/Change_for_Iran
http://twitter.com/StopAhmadi
http://twitter.com/Mynumberone1988

Oh, and, HEY! don’t forget to follow ole’ SlapClap on twitter at http://twitter.com/slapclap. What we lack in live updates from the streets of Tehran we more than make up for in live updates, from our couch, watching Lost on TiVo

Today’s new word is “Claptatic.” It means almost the same thing as “Illmatic,” but more polite. Definition = Doutzen Kroes

Drummer/Mayor of Newbridge Jon Wurster demystifies indie rock tours in his ongoing, online tour diary:

“Things started to get crazy a couple years ago, and I’ve been on a seemingly continuous round of recording and touring with the Mountain Goats, Bob Mould, Superchunk and the focus of this tour diary: A.C. Newman (the solo project of New Pornographers singer/songwriter Carl Newman). This non-stop rock ‘n’ roll juggernaut is actually pretty close to what my 12-year-old self imagined. But I had no idea there’d be so many Premier Inns involved. Or so much warm beer. Or vomit.”

Descriptions for a few of the games currently on exhibit at the Museum of Soviet Arcade Machines.

(click pic)

Game: “The Stare Contest”

Main character: Bazarov, a disillusioned intellectual and wounded veteran of the Crimean War.

Object of Game: Before gaining entrance inside subterranean bar The Chaff, to join nihilist underground movement Rust and Temper and vow hate upon any Slavophile, you must defeat German theologian Friedrich Heinrich Jacobi in a stare contest. First player to hint at disappointment loses. Plus Round bonus points if Player 1 can circle both wheels, simultaneously, towards the inevitable.

Assembly: Requires 15″ Tandy 1000 computer monitor. Fork lift parts.

read on…

#1 - The Death Star

#2 - Roy Batty from Blade Runner

#3 - The end of Transporter 2

#4 - A Picasso

#5 - Sandra Bullock

I’ve been going out with a girl,
her name is Julie
But last night she said to me,
when we were watching telly

(this is what she said)

She said listen John I love you,
but there’s this bloke I fancy
I don’t want to two time you,
so it’s the end for you and me

“Who’s this bloke?” I asked her
“Gordon,” she replied
“Not that puff,” I said dismayed
“Yes, but he’s no puff,” she cried

(He’s more a man than you’ll ever be)

Here we go… 2,3,4

I was so upset that I cried,
all the way to the chip shop
When I came out there was Gordon,
standing at the bus stop

(And guess who was with him? Yeah Julie, and they were both laughing at me)

Aww, she is cruel and heartless
to pack me for Gordon
Just because he’s better looking than me
Just cos he’s cool and trendy

But I know he’s a moron
Gordon is a moron
Gordon is a moron
Gordon is a moron

Here we go… 2,3,4

Oh, she’s a slag and he’s a creep
She’s a tart, he’s very cheap
She is a slut, he thinks he’s tough
She is a bitch, he is a puff

Yeah yeah, it’s not fair
Yeah yeah, it’s not fair

(I’m so upset)

I’m so upset, I’m so upset
Yeah yeah

(I ought to smash his face in. Yeah but he’s bigger than me In’t he?)
(I know, I’ll get my mate Barry to hit him. He’d flatten him)
(Yeah but Barry’s a mate of Gordon’s in’t he?)
(Ah well, I don’t care)

I don’t care
I don’t care…

The complete offmanhattan interviews.

I could post every single one of the keyboard cat videos, because I love the keyboard cat, but I’ll just post this one- the best one. I also know I’m going to regret that last sentence in about a week, but who cares? I’m in love with a keyboard cat (for now) who, by the way, is dead.

The following is a review of a trailer for a movie. To view the trailer, click HERE.

(click on pic)

On a warm summer’s eve the Golden Gate Bridge spans beautifully against the backdrop of an orange sky. Steinbeck famously referred to San Francisco as “the golden handcuff with the key thrown away,” and it is with that…

read on…

The New Yorker wants to tattoo your 16-year old daughter plus be her first, and they refuse to publish my submissions to their cartoon caption contest.

SlapClap caption:

“…then Juliette hits the bomb with a rock, and then it all goes white. But you still think Dollhouse is better?”

(pic via nbaplayoffs2009)

LD: “Hey Spike, uh, Kobe Doing Work. What is that? Why isn’t it Kobe is Doing Work? Try saying it: Kobe is Doing Work. It’s got a ring to it. Kobe isss Doing Work. It’s the intransitive verb, I think. That’s an underrated verb. Try it. Where is my muffin? I mean that’s better than Where my muffin? Do you like muffins? I’ll be honest. I don’t care for ‘em. They, uh… it’s too much. You can’t eat a whole muffin. Who eats a whole muffin?

Spike: Larry David. Listen to me. I have ate a whole muffin.

LD: A whole muffin?

Spike: A whole muffin.

LD: When?

Spike: This morning.

LD: A whole muffin?

Spike: Yes Larry David.

LD: What’d you have with that? Coffee? Have a little coffee?

Spike: A glass of milk. Warm. Milk.

LD: Eck! Milk? Just milk?

Spike: Yes Larry David.

LD: That’s nuts. You know that? That’s insane. Just milk. What are you a 4th grader?

Spike: I’m not a 4th grader Larry David.

LD: Well, don’t blame me when you get osteoporosis is all I’m saying.

Oh God. Here comes Richard Lewis. I owe him $50 bucks. He’s going to make me go walk to an ATM. Pretend like we’re talking.

Spike: We are talking.

LD: Yeah but, you know, move your hands or something.

Spike: Stop using your hands to try and move my hands Larry David. I’m trying to watch Carmelo Anthony, better known as Melo’, a.k.a. The Bully, a.k.a. he’s very Melo’.

LD: What? It’s just warm ups. You’ve got a pretty good inflection. You know that? It’s like Andy Kindler, when you do that thing. The Mars Blackmon thing. It’s pretty good- Prittay Prittay Prittay good.

And it’s not that I’m lactose, either. I’m not. It’s like the muffin thing. It’s just too much milk. Hey, “Muffin and Milk.” That’s not a bad idea for a store. We should open one up! You in? Of course, I just said I hated both. I’m going to spend my entire day running a “Muffin and Milk” store now? Two things I despise. I might as well run a boutique called “Holocaust and Fanny Packs.”

Spike: Fanny packs are no good. Like zero good, Larry David.

LD: Yeah. Word of advice: you might want to express some distaste for the holocaust too. I mean, while you’re at it.

…Richard Lewis!

Behind the scenes with Quantam of Solace, also, by the way, the worst title for a Bond movie since… nope, that’s the worst one.

From Fredrico Fellini’s E la nave va., which roughly translates to Look, My Italian Face.

(skeetonmischa with the assist)

The Internet: a series of tubes used to disseminate tweetups, topless photos, and Lost recaps. It even has its own version of playing the record backwards.

It’s pretty indescribable, but I’ll give it a go:

Like Anne Deavere Smith meets Bobby McFerrin, if that sh*t was FUNNY.