SlapClap

I am so crushed by politics. These word wizards seducing our vote, using the cotton candy in their mouth to hide a forked tongue. Take this guy, Alvin Greene. He’s like the smoke monster on Lost. Let him speak to you once and you’ve already lost.

The interview makes it clear. He won the South Carolina senate primary with displays like this, unleashing the fevered tempo of his charisma. As if he’d blown each carefully chosen word through the right end of God’s golden trumpet.

“Tom Cruise Appreciation Week” was a joyous success! Thanks to everyone for coming to the site, and sharing in, celebrating, and rejoicing the life and the work of American Hollywood patriarch Mr. Tom Cruise.

It has been a beautiful, positive experience, surpassing all expectations, dreams, hopes and fears. Don’t forget that Tom’s new movie Knight & Day has been officially released. So go to Fandango, or Ticketmaster, and buy your ticket now.

For more information about Tom Cruise you can go to TomCruise.com, IMDb.com, or the official Knight & Day website maintained by the 20th Century Fox studio.

In the trailer for the summer blockbuster Knight & Day, starring Tom Cruise, Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times hails the movie as “the most entertaining made-for-adults movie of the summer.“

So I went and read the review, and then I reread the review. And I guess my only question for Kenneth Turan is, WHAT THE FUCK KENNETH TURAN?

From your review, and I quote:

“It’s hardly a perfect film, not even close, but it is the most entertaining, made-for-adults studio movie of the summer, and one of the reasons it works at all is the great skill and commitment Cruise brings.”

One of the reason? Oh, just one of the reasons then. The other reasons must have been what? The caterer? The key grip who replaced the first key grip, who quit because his mother-in-law died of old age?

THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOTHING! THE ONLY REASON KNIGHT & DAY IS THE “#1 MADE-FOR-ADULTS STUDIO MOVIE OF THE SUMMER” HAS GOT TWO NAMES!

Care to guess those names Kenneth Turan, you piece of sh*t? Here’s a hint: first name is “Tom;” last name is “not Hanks.”

Kenneth Turan should be fired for obviousness.

I hope a monkey with swine flu bites you in the neck! I hate that you remember to breath. Put yourself in a ditch, Kenneth Turan!

I stole some hair from you and put it in a locket, and tore a tree down with a kitchen knife and made an altar that I prayed to as I burnt a piece of your hair inside of crisp parchment with melted Haitian beeswax, and sang to night sky a murderous hymn that will lay you lo with a slow, painful loss of blood that drips from out your worthless hidehole.

YOU DUMB SH*T!

See this guy? This guy is really Tom Cruise! Don’t believe me? Turn away from your computer, and then look back at your computer again.

SEE!

Tom Cruise plays Les Grossman in the movie Tropical Thunder, a fact that somehow escaped me despite having seen the movie twice already (special thanks to Reba Digby’s email for the tip-off). I remember laughing pretty hard when this guy showed up in the movie, but I had no idea at the time that it was Mr. Cruise himself. No wonder it was the best part of the movie. What’s next Cruise, heart surgery???

Ha-ha! Just kidding. The worlds got plenty of doctors- too many, probably. We need you acting.

As scripture tells us, the great Xenu brought humans to Earth 75 million years ago and since then we have been constantly reborn, our souls trapped inside of our meat bodies. That’s a lot of “night and days!”

Yet no day could be as bright — and no night as… not bright? As dark, I guess — no night could be as bleak as today: Knight & Day day. Yay! Knight & Day officially arrived in theaters across the country, and the buzz for this one has been huge.

But SlapClap’s the only place to get an exclusive first look at the stills from international trailer #2 of Mr. Cruise’s new movie, out today! Take a peek:

This is the first time in the movie we get to see Mr. Cruise’s character Roy Miller. It’s also the only time in the movie Mr. Cruise doesn’t wear sunglasses. In fact, he broke Michael Madsen’s record for “the most acting in sunglasses” during the course of filming

The beautiful Cameron Diaz. People tell her all the time that she has a black girl’s ass, and that they can’t believe how much food she eats!

Game face, 2010: Who is Hollywood’s biggest star? Clooney? Pitt? Is it you Cruise… GAME ON!

“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say that I am 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell her real age, and I like to… kick!, stretch!, aaand KICK!”

“I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old.“

The cast and crew take a break on set so Tom lightens the mood, and horses around with his co-star.

This scene was Mr. Cruises idea. He wanted to emerge from the mass of the crowd wearing his sunglasses. It pushed up the total running time of the movie, but features a 3 minute approach shot of slow motion walking.

Tom wears Ray-Ban sunglasses, which have changed in design over the years since he first wore them on camera in the movie Top Gun!

The reviews are in for Knight & Day. They’re calling Tom “…scary … Jerry Maguire good!” That he has “All the Right Moves,” and is “The Firm choice to keep your Eyes Wide… (…)”

A lot of the filming on Knight & Day happened in actual European cities in France and Italy. This was filmed in front of a green screen of one of those cities for stunt purposes.

Tom would like to thank you for being a part of this exclusive first look at the stills from the 2nd international trailer of his new movie Knight & Day. And we would like to remind you that when you take your seats at the local multiplex this weekend remember to BUCKLE UP!

…and turn off your cell phones, please- vibrate doesn’t count. We still hear it. Also, please don’t take off your shoes. (there are people actually doing that at movies now if you can believe it)

Katty Homes and Suri Cruise are the wife and daughter of Tom Cruise, whose new motion picture Knight & Day hits theaters this week. Our all-access pass granted us an exclusive sit down interview with them from the other side of this high school football stadium. Transcript to follow:

—“Katty Homes and Suri, Michael Neal from SlapClap dot com! Our site averages 80 or more unique visitors a month. THANK YOU FOR SITTING DOWN WITH US!”

—“First question, why are you all alone out here? Did you know that this stadium was empty, Katty! ARE YOU AWARE THIS IS A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM?”

—“Katty, it’s 7 in the morning. Why did you call this press conference?”

—“Katty! You look like you want to be left alone. IS THAT TRUE?”

—“SURI! Suri, did your dinner upset you last night? WERE YOU PUT OFF BY YOUR MEAL!”

—“Katty, is Tom Cruise afraid of being stung by a wasp? What would you say is his biggest fear!”

—“Do Suri and Jayden Smith hold within them the same number of thetans? How will that bode for her acting career GIVEN THE SUCCESS OF THE KARATE KID REMAKE?”

—“Katty, is science just magic with God on speed dial?”

—“Suri … Suri … SURI! Don’t ever talk to strangers.”

—“Suri, do you ever talk to strangers?”

—“Is Tom happy with Fox’s decision to give Knight and Day a mid week opening? Why didn’t you get to do the movie Rachel Getting Married?”

—“Thank you Katty! Thank you Suri! THANK YOU FOR SITTING DOWN WITH US!”

(film still courtesy of Mrs. Skin)

“Tom usually plays good guys.” ~Mr. Cruise’s Hollywood agent

We commonly associate Tom Cruise with that of the hero. The white hat if you will. *Roles like Teddy in Rain Man, or his breakout performance as a galactic ship captain in Star Wars 5 have left an indelible mark on the collective subconscious of the American moviegoer’s psyche.

But once in awhile an actor needs to play against type- to stretch. To keep the audience on their toes, sometimes a tough guy like DeNiros just got to play the dad in something. Or reverse it, like when legendary nice guy actor Jimmy Stewart took on the role of a lifetime as British Union of Fascists party leader Sir Oswald Mosley in a biopic based on a screed written by H.L. Mencken. Did Stewart’s career suffer from his tender portrayal of this man, reviled by history for his acolyte devotion to Hitler and Mussolini? Plenty. Was he a better actor for it? Absolutely.

Mr. Cruise is no different. He grew out his chin hair to play a womanizing cad in Magnolia. He dyed his hair gray to play a hit man in Collateral. He played the last Japanese samurai in the movie The Last Japanese Samurai (didn’t see that one, but I think The Pacific closed the book on whether or not samurai’s are evil).

By playing the anti-hero, Mr. Cruise turns his notorious charm on its head. Big time actors like him don’t get successful by accident, except for Brendan Frasier. They possess within them an intangible quality- an extra something. I don’t know what else to call it: the Vinny Chase factor; the ice cream sandwich smile-factor? I usually stick to calling it that extra something since people get confused otherwise.

Call it what you will, Mr. Cruise has it, and to remind us of how much of it he has he plays bad guys sometimes. Deal with it collective subconscious of American moviegoer’s psyche. It’s only pretend bad.

*sentence trademarked by Warner Press, to be republished in the forthcoming compendium “The Rotten Tomatoes Film Bible.”

These are Tom Cruise’s two ex-wives, Nicole Kidman and Mimi Rogers Weddell! Both are in the acting profession, just like Mr. Cruise is.

Keep your SlapClap app wired up, and stay tuned for more updates!

Its been building and building, but oh my children we have arrived. Finally! “SlapClap’s Tom Cruise Appreciation Week.”

In honor of one of the all-time greats, and in anticipation of his groundbreaking new act com (action-comedy) Knight & Day, SlapClap brings unto you non-stop loco Hollywood fuzz buzz about Tinseltown’s head honch.

Our all-access pass grants you… well, ACCESS! We’ll take you everywhere: inside the limo, outside the limo, and everywhere in between those limos. Get updates from the red carpet, fresh insights into the workings of casa de Cruise, and all the Suri news you can hold down.

Like a law enforcement PSA to a 16-year old student driver: buckle up!

The New Yorker has TiVo, and still breaks plans with friends when Private Practice is on. And they refuse to publish my submissions to their cartoon caption contest.

SlapClap caption:

“… Knock, bitch.”

To Kinkos:

A young man used to work in your stock room, stood about 6 foot 4? He had a hen-pecked gait, somewhat scolded, and his hair lit a bright orange as it mingled with the midday sun? He used to carry a paperback copy of Franny and Zooey in his behind pocket and hop over sidewalk cracks on his way to buy a soda pop on his lunch breaks? He talked in a moist way to me about paper? I believe his name was Matthew? Can you- does he still work there?

Dear Orange Julius,

As a loyal and life long Orange Julius customer, I have visited store #11C-389 inside of the University mall in Mishawaka, IN at least once a week for the past fifteen years. So it is with a well of regret that I am submitting this correspondence to you. You see, as I was third in line about to purchase a 2-for-1 peach smoothie, as promised by one of your coupon offers, my order was turned away by the manager of the store who then abruptly shut down business for the entire rest of the day. The store did not reopen until two days later, AFTER my coupon had expired on September 12, 2001.

Also, on January 28, 1986, the day of the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion, disintegrating over the Atlantic, I was appalled to find a strand of long brown hair inside my peach smoothie. I suggest your employees be required to wear a hair net. Both hair and coupon are included in this correspondence. Please make payable.

Man Alive Clothing & Apparel:

Why y’all stop selling Girbauds? You still carry those purple ponchos-matching pants sets? If not, why? Y’all store was better in the 90′s. I don’t like your music anymore. Can you change it? I made you a double-CD to play when I’m in there: Disc 1 is the first Jodeci album; disc 2 is the last Jodeci album. Can you make your items returnable a little longer? Like, I bought a pair of black jean shorts in 1992 with teal trim that had Malcolm X’s face on the butt, and they don’t fit in the waist no more.

Self-explanatory.

Tea Party Weekly Gazette Herald: Obama “Home” District At Risk

In a symbolic bit of political theater, there is a chance that the Hawaiian congressional seat that represents President Obama’s “birthplace” will be represented by a Republican.

Obama, of course, was “born” in the country’s 50th state before moving to Chicago and “not” joining the Black Panther party.

In Hawaii, Republican candidate Charles Djou is emerging ahead of two democrats as the likely winner of a special run-off election for the right to represent Hawaii’s 1st congressional “district,” the “birthplace” of the “President” of the United States, Hussein Obama.

Party of No Mas

Looking to win back wary votes, the Republican party is banking on a new big tent approach to win back the Latino vote. Operation: Big Tent is a three-fold plan to win back a once split electorate.

Step one: buy a big tent. That one is pretty self-explanatory.

Step two: invite Mexicans inside tent- harder step than it sounds. A lot of Hispanics don’t seem willing to trust Republicans, which is why a charm offensive is needed. Every tent needs a carnival barker- someone who can coax wary people [MEXICANS] who are outside of the tent to walk inside the tent. That means a person with the gift of persuasion. Obama for instance. Like a Republican Obama. Michael Steele? Bobby Jindal? Glenn Beck?

Step three: the Governor of a state with a fast growing Hispanic population passes a hyperbolic immigration law, likely unconstitutional, that makes deporting illegal immigrants into a Spanish dubbed version of Sophie’s Choice. Arizona, lets say.

On to step four. Oh… did I not mention there was a step four? Step four: Seal up the tent, position three to five Apache helicopters above the tent, secure tent roof with grappling hooks, lift tent gently into air, and fly tent 100-500 miles past the border into the part of Mexico college students don’t visit. Elect Lou Dobbs President. Do not pass go.

I brought naan to work with me today. It’s a kind of bread, idiot. Native Americans eat it, and people in Queens who know too much about food because it’s a safer fetish than sex.

You eat naan with curry, but I had mine sans Hindu influence in the handicap stall of the bathroom at work.

I take a fifteen minute lunch break: eat my naan, win two games of cell phone Solitaire, pretend to flush, then go back to my desk. I know it sounds like I have an ex-wife, but I don’t.

I hate it when people say “here’s a fun fact.” They’re never fun. It’s never “Here’s a fun fact: cows can only go upstairs.” Instead it’s “Here’s a fun fact: Sundays, I do laundry.”

Having said that – (oh, and I hate it when people say “having said that;” and people who bring up the “having said that” episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm; and people who call it Curb annoy me; and people who digress too much) – but having said that, here’s a fun fact: I’ve written 27 books!

The “To Bleed” series was a series of space crime novels I wrote in the late 90’s. The stories follow the adventures of astronaut Tex Sustential, “bleeding” heart quantum professor turned crime busting galaxy detective in a universe devoid of meaning.

The 27 books include “Hungry to Bleed,” “Dying to Bleed,” “To Sleep, Perchance to Bleed,” and breakout classic “Bleeding to Bleed: Blood In, Blood Out.”

Airport magazine called the series “high inventory,” and my books dominated the display windows of Times Square video retailers.

The key to my success? I do not talk down to the reader (you are the reader, by the way). My books are not pompous, like so many authors. Your Dan Browns of the world; your Push by Sapphires.  I write accessibly, stories that put the reader inside the page. I write about the human experience in a way we can all relate. It’s a literary device I call the “I Can Relate,” or I.C.R.. I.C.R.’s are small, at times anecdotes, dropped in to help the reader (remember? you) identify with the character, the larger world.

From “Enough to Bleed“

“Officer Tex woke up screaming from his dream. The same dream. How could that be?And why was the toilet still running. Is that not the worst? Recurring dreams were for invalids and brain glitchers. Had he forgot to change blue fluid in his chamber simulator? Checking his T/S display it was already ten zeck-zecks past a quarter-flash. Tex popped a couple memory flarks before getting out of bed, and was struck by a terrible pain in his right leg- a goddamn muscle cramp. ‘Ouch, that hurts.’”

From “Early to Bleed“

“As Tex waited for the cable guy – you know how they’re always late – there was a quaking sound, like 20 Thurb-busters losing grav-torque all in a row. Tex grabbed his flube stinger and went to the window monitor. Outside were Lokseys, about a gill pack. They buzzed about like sentient chip seedlings in a moist patch of cyber-terra. Tex only had a moment to flip the neg switch on his flube stinger before they were on him. Then, like a wave of clenched pain, a goddamn cramp! ‘Ahhhh…‘ he seethed. ‘Goddammit!‘”

From “Bleeding to Bleed: Blood In, Blood Out“

“The captain of the astronaut police force briefed his men on doogon activity in the Orion nebula, but Tex had other things on his mind, and not just the shitty coffee in the break room. Why is coffee at work so horrible? And lets not get started on Starbucks.

Tex daydreamed about the green-skinned Patoot girl he had pulled over for doing eleven parsecs in a negative zone. Her ear-eyes lit up like hitting three soycumbers at a marsh casino slot. Jackpot! She would soon be his, dripping like Venusuvian waters in the finest traditions of the Parafet. He simu-fantisized about her arm-legs wrapped around him, and the strength of his leg legs balancing their entwined bodies at the edge of the bed… ‘CRAMP!‘ Goddamn crap!‘”

Click and find out.

read on…

Ed in south Florida met Cookie Rockefeller on Craigslist, and treated her to a 2-for-1 meal at a fondue restaurant. A date rife with … MISUNDERSTANDMES.

Cookie Rockefeller: Me too!

Ed: Do you? What’s your favorite album?

Cookie Rockefeller: Probably “Ghost in the Machine.”

Ed: Isn’t that by The Police?

Cookie Rockefeller: The police are here?

Ed: No. The Police. Sting?

Cookie Rockefeller: Goodness gracious, it’s a sting. I saw this on Cocaine Cowboys– EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR. IT’S DRUGS!

Ed: No, it’s –

Cookie Rockefeller: IT’S DRUGS, Y’ALL. DON’T PAY FOR THE FOOD!

Ed: No, lis– sit down. Police the band.

Cookie Rockefeller: Police the band? Who’s watching the lawyers? I’m kidding.

Ed: I –

Cookie Rockefeller: It’s a joke, plum. “Wordplay.” My sister’s a lawyer.

Ed: Really? That’s interesting.

Cookie Rockefeller: My lawyer. She’s my lawyer. I slashed a john in the face.

Ed: You slashed – his name was John?

Cookie Rockefeller: Shhhhhuuuure? There was a car accident.

Ed: He hit your car.

Cookie Rockefeller: No, we were in the car together. Parked. I was on the passenger side? “Seat belt off,” if you know what I mean. Let’s change the subj. What’s your favorite Clash song, “Message in a Bottle?”

Ed: That’s not a –

Cookie Rockefeller: Song you can relate to? Who could! A song about a guy in North Carolina who keeps throwing bottles in the ocean.

Ed: I think it’s fair, at this point, to bring up that that sounds an awful lot like a Kevin Costner movie.

Cookie Rockefeller: And then this lady finds one of his bottles in the water, in Chicago.

Ed: From North Carolina? That’s physically impossi–

Cookie Rockefeller: And she opens the bottle, and there’s a message in it saying “Go to Persia, and fight the King,” because he banned punk music.

Ed: You just described “Rock the Casbah” by The Clash.

Cookie Rockefeller: And then the woman shows the bottle to these big greased up 300 men, and they fly to Persia and fight the evil King, and all the habib’s.

Ed: (Racist.)

Cookie Rockefeller: The King, though, is too unprepared to fight, distracted as he was by a very classy French prostitute.

Ed: Let me guess, named Roxanne? Kept the red light on?

Cookie Rockefeller: No, that’s a Police song.

Ed: Of course it – what?

Cookie Rockefeller: What??

Ed: Are we – is this still a bit?

Cookie Rockefeller: What bit?

Ed: Don’t ask me. I didn’t write it.

Cookie Rockefeller: Who did?

Ed: David Foster Wallace.

Cookie Rockefeller: No! REALLY?

Ed: Of course not. Some loser with a blog.

Happy Black History Month from Elton John, and the 1968 Men's Soccer Club of England. (pic via)

Till next year: testimonials from all of us to “you people.”

“OMB budget director Peter Orszag here, wishing you and yours a happy, and a safe, Black History month.”

“Hi. I’m convicted child molester Victor Salva. I also directed Powder. Happy Black History month you guys! Stay safe.”

“I’m 16th century French poet Pierre de Ronsard. I may be dead, but I’m not wack. Happy Black History month. Remember, safety in numbers.”

“Hey, I’m Jim. You may know me from the alleged triple homicide, alluded to on this blog. When I think of 28 Days Later I don’t think of zombies. I think of black people in February.”

The fact I find Padma Lakshmi extra-fetching is well documented. So it was exciting news today to find out that Padma gave birth to her first child, a daughter named Krishna. The 39-year old, first time mother, has refused to identify the father publicly, which leads the door wide open for rampant speculation, on my part:

I think it’s this guy. Sean Shinaberry, chief operations officer and investment adviser rep for Modern Portfolio Insurance in Holland, Ohio.

“Why this guy,” you ask? “Why not the venture capitalist heavily rumored to be the father in New York tabloids?” “How would Padma even lay eyes on a guy who lives in the middle of Ohio?” “Isn’t it a bit far-fetched, considering Mr. Shinaberry is already happily married with child?” “Why would a jet setter like Padma date a mild mannered insurance rep with a series 7 securities license?” “Where is the pill I gave you?” “Did you take the pill?” “Did you swallow?” Well. Those are a lot of questions.

“I ate a … sandwich for lunch it was … crying out … to be eaten. It said, ‘Eat me I … just want this over with.’”

“I requested that … the dressing room be small I … don’t want my fear of … performing to … grow to the size of a … much larger room, like a … Osca’ fish.”

“How is my … hair?”

“Baby powder was … invented by babies who … were both named Johnson.”

“I asked … Henry Winkler once … how did he come up with the … backwards chair-sit? He said it was … Marlon Brando who … he saw do it in … a commercial for … Levis.”

“Sexually I … have not lost not even a … step I … hump like a Wildebeest.”

My favorite President of all time is Babe Ruth, because he loved America. So much so he wore baseball uniforms. On the down side, he moved the Indians to places in the country that no one else liked, and I don’t mean the Cleveland Indians- the people ones.

Plus, Babe Ruth cut spending, and when he mounted his stallion, and unsheathed a baseball bat, to fight for our right to brew tea cheaply, he became more than just the nation’s ugliest President. He hit a home run that landed inside the pages of the history book my Pa made for me before he got sent to prison for kidnapping.

There are plenty of great scenes in the movie Cocoon. Too many to name, but my personal fave is when Wilford Brimley takes his grandson fly fishing to tell him that he will be “moving” to “somewhere else.” Then grandson asks if he can visit. Brimley casts his reel, and says blankly to the horizon “No.“

Then the grandson asks Brimley will he ever even see his grandparents again, a relationship the movie took great pains to stress as important. “No,” says Brimley with all the curtness of a “Nope. No way. Next question.” I like the scene so much because it ain’t all about you kid. You want pop-pop to take you to the mall arcade? Guess what? Pop-pop can’t. Pop-pop going to another planet.

My second favorite scene is when old ass Hume Cronyn blows off Jessica Tandy to go caterwauling with a checkout girl. My third favorite scene is when Hume Cronyn punches Ron Howard’s brother Clint in the face, because, as director, Ron Howard cast his brother in a terrible role.