Archive for the ‘new yorker captions’ Category
The New Yorker wants to borrow the car, but they forged their last report card. And they refuse to publish my submissions to their “cartoon caption contest.”
“One of us has a cocaine problem. Look. I’m not prepared to say who. But yesterday security showed me a tape of something that happened in the lobby, and… well… public display’s of affection are frowned upon in this office. Especially gross ones.”
“You move, I blow this whole damn place up. I don’t want your pity: I hear fake applause, I blow this whole damn place up. P.S., those fish were dead when I got here. You blame me for the fish, I blow this…”
“You let him off easy, which means I let you off not at all. An extra $200 cut outta what you make this week and next time a cop threatens to haul you after blowning ‘em keep that trap shut until you tell Daddy- and Daddy’s friends will take care of it.”
“To have human impulse is not unhealthy. What is unhealthy is to abuse through these impulses, yourself or others. Mr. Hansen and Dateline brought you here for a reason. To get you better. Little Becky next to me is a reminder of the past you must all own up to publicly. And don’t worry Becky you’re very safe. This is being recorded and there are men behind those doors.”
“We think big here. Big pencils, big erasers. Big problems, big solutions. I’ve got a staff of over 500 employees. They get me coffee, they answer my phones; they send out faxes, they lie to my wife; they order my giant #2’s, they wipe my ass if I take a giant #2. Strike that. They don’t wipe my ass. That’s where you come in …”
The New Yorker likes the movie Lawnmower Man 2, and they refuse to publish my submissions to their cartoon caption contest. I have no idea why.
“A better title for M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening would be The Not Happening, or The What’s Happening?, as in ‘what’s happening in this movie? I fell asleep watching the movie Signs 6 years ago and just woke up.’ This hard R ‘thriller’ is proof — as if there ever needed to be — that brown men are not meant to be behind the camera.”
Film critic Scott McLumpnellan
Racist at the Movies
The Aryan Spectator
The New Yorker has never had to work a day, and they refuse to publish my submissions to their cartoon caption contest. I have no idea why.
“You work and you work and you work. You meet with people you don’t like, that you don’t know, that you don’t even want to know. And you try to sell them things and they try to sell you things, you go home, you listen to the wife nag and the kids bitch. You turn off the T.V., you wake up the next day and you do it all over again. But I’ll tell you, the only thing that keeps me going is this chick. I’ve got this incredible chick on the side you see, and she is so hot, I can hardly believe it. She’s got one of those heart-shaped asses. Have you ever had a chick with a heart-shaped ass?”
- Related: How to win the New Yorker cartoon caption contest (Slate)
The New Yorker want to feed baby sharks baby seals, and they refuse to publish my submissions to their cartoon caption contest.
“Move to strike your honor! The defendant’s acquaintance with Mrs. Haze has no bearing whatsoever on his ‘alleged’ proclivity for underage girls.”
UPDATE: Clap contributor Martin Cassidy chimes in
“That whale was lying! There is no link between toxic loads in adult female blubber and telekinesis in young orcas. End of story.”
“Just answer the question. When did you tell your wife you were undergoing radiation-based hominid transmog therapy?”
“My client MC Krill doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of an East Coast-West Coast rivalry.”