SlapClap

From Wikipedia: “Samuel Johnson had a tall and robust figure, but his odd gestures and tics were confusing to some on their first encounter with him.”

From Dickipedia: “Samuel Johnson could barely write, but everything he wrote he read, making him America’s foremost expert on kink only Samuel Johnson could stomach.”

It’s obvious Miley had something important to say here, but Twitter with its blasted government mandate of 140 characters or less wouldn’t allow it. Some guesses:

Opinions are like… the oriental ginger lotion bottles they put in your gift bag when you check out of the Dubai Seven Star hotel …Everybody has one.

Opinions are like… well, let me just put it this way. We must always think about things, and we must think about things as they are, not as they are said to be. George Bernard Shaw said that. By the way, I hate the way re-interpretations have romanticized the ending to Pygmalion. You do own a first print copy of Pygmalion don’t you?…Everybody has one.

Opinions are like… roaches, which are like rumors. Remember that song? Or was that two songs? It was two songs! One was by The Timex Social Club, and then Bobby Jimmy & the Critters did a parody of it where they replaced the word “rumors” with “roaches.” Hilarious. That must have been… ’84? It’s hard to remember because I was two. Anywho, I think you get the f*cking point …Everybody has one.

Related: Miley Cyrus works the pole

Related: And she’s not a dude

Excerpt from the graphic novel I Kill Giants, by Joe Kelly & J.M. Ken Niimura

If it seems, sometimes, that all the unclever people move to L.A. and get rewarded then don’t read the L.A. Weekly piece about Travis Keller, founder of late 90′s rock gossip site Buddyhead.

Three important things to know about Keller:

1. Fred Durst can suck it.
2. When he’s not way out on that limb, he likes to brag that he was on the internet when he was just 14-years old, which is nice but not really impressive if you happen to be 14-years old and reading this.
3. In 2004 he turned down $12M dollars from a company that wanted to buy his website, that he admits reads like a Perez Hilton blog:
   

File this one simultaneously under “dorkus” and “malorkus”. “probably” gay soft-rock cracker shithead John Mayer is in a twitter-fight with that tubby Hispanic dude with gelled-up parrot hair and whiney bitch voice, Perez Hilton, that does some gossip site, that might remind you of this one (we did it first fat-ass)

Also in that article, the L.A. Weekly calls Keller “a rapier wit.” You getting this Dick Cavett? Here you thought you already landed your white whale.

“Wow-we-wow-we-wow-wow-wow. To what serendipitous opportunity do I owe the pleasure of having such a wonderful woman at my doorstep? Under what low hanging fruit of circumstance have the fates conspired to raise temptation? Please, come in and make yourself comfortable. Let me take your coat…“

(via manolith)

Considering how popular sharks are on the internet, we thought that the biggest news story of the day would be that great white sharks hunt prey like serial killers. Or maybe that Iran thing again. Speaking of, have you heard this song: And I-ran/I-ran so far away-aa/I couldn’t get away… FROM THIS NEWS COVERAGE!

I kid. Turns out it’s neither, because this morning between the hours of 3 and 4AM Toronto time, Will.i.am punched Perez Hilton in the face. As to motive, we don’t know yet. Maybe they were rehearsing for when they have to do it in 3 years on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

The assault is the first time Will.i.Am had a hit we’d pay money to see. Lady GaGa was also, maybe, there and we can only hope that Kid Rock attacked her to make it a perfect tempest of assaults on celebrities we’d like to see assaulted, by celebrities we’d like to see assaulted.

And you made fun of Shia LaBeouf because he was studying his lines on the set?
Yeah, he was pacing back and forth and taking it really seriously, and I said, ‘We’re making Transformers 2! Have you even read the script? What else do you need to do?’ But it was really smart on his part because he was trying to find truth in what was on the page. And if that page isn’t good, then it’s the actor’s job to make it good. So he was doing his job; I was not.

Tell me about your next film, Jennifer’s Body…
I don’t even know what genre to call it…

Sounds like you didn’t have trouble researching that one…
The basic story is that this rock band sold their souls to get a record deal … (in it) I’m a huge slut. And they sacrifice me and it goes wrong. And I’m taken over by a demon and I have to feast on flesh and I start eating boys to stay alive. And it’s also about this friendship between me and my best friend, who is this homely girl, which Amanda Seyfried is not, but they make her look that way.

That sounds kind of awesome.
It’s the best script I’ve ever read.

(via EW)

#1 – The Death Star

#2 – Roy Batty from Blade Runner

#3 – The end of Transporter 2

#4 – A Picasso

#5 – Sandra Bullock

I could post every single one of the keyboard cat videos, because I love the keyboard cat, but I’ll just post this one- the best one. I also know I’m going to regret that last sentence in about a week, but who cares? I’m in love with a keyboard cat (for now) who, by the way, is dead.

The new Sugar Ray album Music for Cougars is scheduled to be released July 21st on the Pulse/Fontana/Universal record label (Los Angeles, California). Billboard magazine blurbs that Cougar “sees the band returning to the lazy grooves, easy beats, and catchy harmonies that proved a winning formula” for them way back in 1997 on the double platinum hit single “Fly,” that also featured reggae artist Super Cat.

Success carried over for the band, and in 2008 the original lineup made a guest appearance on the season 3 finale of FOX animated series American Dad, playing themselves. In the episode the band performed the song “Fly” at a spring break party.

Track listing:

1. Botox and Bourbon
2. Full Grown
3. Grandma on My Mind
4. (I’m Her) Hip Replacement
5. Sagging Love
6. A Cougar’s Restless Tail
7. Hot Flash in the City
8. Girdle Hurdle (Pants Suit on the Floor)
9. Wrinkles in All the Right Places
10. You’ve Got That Belly (I Idolize)

Comedian Paul Scheer went to the Michael Jackson auction at Neverland Ranch, and these are his pictures. Look, we all know what the deal is here. It’s going to be weird- it’s going to be a bunch of really weird stuff. You don’t have to click on THIS to know it’s going to be a painting of Michael Jackson holding a sword and knighting himself. And it doesn’t take a genius to know that the picture HERE is a commissioned sculpture of Michael Jackson in the Batman suit. It’s like when the girl at the Bauhaus concert, wearing the Bela Lugosi t-shirt, tells you she used to be a cutter. No sh*t.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Libyan National Security Adviser, and Oscar Technical Awards presenter, Mutussaim Qadhafi. Qadhafi thanked Secretary Clinton for forging a new partnership with Libya in the Middle East; Clinton thanked Qadhafi for the short lived NBC series Raines.

MR. SLAPCLAP: Look, I’m no expert. I’m not even suggesting Phil Spector didn’t do it.

PROSECUTOR: Objection, your Honor. MR. SLAPCLAP’s testimony was only to be allowed in the first place because he said he was an “expert” witness.

MR. SLAPCLAP: And I am.

PROSECUTOR: You just said you weren’t, sir.

MR. SLAPCLAP: I certainly did not.

PROSECUTOR: Requesting that the COURT REPORTER please read back MR. SLAPCLAP’s opening statement.

COURT REPORTER: “MR. SLAPCLAP: ‘Look, I’m no expert. I’m not even suggesting Phil Spector didn’t do it.’ PROSECUTOR: ‘Objection, your Honor…’”

MR. SLAPCLAP: Objection, your honor! Read that back to me, COURT REPORTER.

COURT REPORTER: “MR. SLAPCLAP: ‘Look, I’m no expert. I’m not even suggesting Phil Spector didn’t do it.’ PROSECUTOR: ‘Objection, your Honor.’ MR. SLAPCLAP: ‘Objection, your honor! Read that back to me…’”

PROSECUTOR: Objection!

MR. SLAPCLAP: Yeah, what about that judge? Judge. Overruled! Read that back.

COURT REPORTER: “MR. SLAPCLAP: ‘Look, I’m no expert. I’m not even suggesting Phil Spector didn’t do it’. PROSECUTOR: ‘Objection, your Honor.’ MR. SLAPCLAP: ‘Objection, your honor! Read that back to me.’ PROSECUTOR: ‘Objection.’ MR.SLAPCLAP: ‘Yeah, what about that judge? Judge. Overruled…’”

MR. SLAPCLAP: Overruled! Thank you, your honor. Now, if I may…

Sure, we can point fingers at Phil Spector, but maybe that’s exactly what this creepy picture of a seal wants us to do? To trick us into thinking that Phil Spector, and not THIS SEAL, committed this heinous crime? Judging by your faces I can tell you think I’m reading too much into this; that the seal’s creepy smile is nothing more than a bi-product of involuntary muscle motion; that I’m placing too much faith in this creepy seal picture as, somehow, evidence of guilt. After all, it’s just a seal. But you’d have to admit, it looks pretty damn guilty. Go ahead, look at it. Look at it. Look at it. Stare at it.

JURORS #2-#7: (cough, cough)

MR. SLAPCLAP: By the way, Phil? Can you sign my Ramones album? I don’t have End of the Century so I brought my 12″ Mondo Bizzaro. What do you mean you won’t sign THAT? No, you screw off. Hey, fuck you Phil Spector! FUCK. YOU! Read that back.

COURT REPORTER: “MR. SLAPCLAP: ‘Hey, fuck you Phil Spector. Fuck. You.’”

There might be a better explanation as to why this man, David Buckner, fainted during a taping of the Glenn Beck Show, but it won’t be half as interesting as my far less plausible interpretation: Glenn Beck’s handshake is the most powerful grip in the history of humankind. It’s like getting hand locked by Andre the Giant, or shaking hands with a robot who is a big Elvis fan (and thinks you’re Elvis). OR, Glenn Beck starves all his guests beforehand to make sure they’re as f*cking tits crazy on-air as he is.

(splashnews)

Actually it’s Hugh Jackman doing (something?) for the Australian screening of his new movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but all those Australian guys behind him could give a sh*t.

I haven’t felt this sad for a rap video (HERE) since “Pumps and a Bump.” It’s not quite that sad; it’s more sad like the out of date clothes that get returned to an ex-con after a 30-year bid. It’s the music vid equivalent of walking around wearing platform heels with hollowed out goldfish tanks.

On the plus side, he really did stick it to Jessica Simpson. I can’t believeeeeee she thought she could gain weight like that and get away with it.

On the left: the Fox Nation headline; On the right: the Huffington Post headline. Same article.