SlapClap

Heartbreaking chat is a fun new web site of which I am very proud to be one-half a part. For my part, I write funny little things using my dumb imagination. But the real star is the artwork drawn by friend and frequent online collaborator Matthew.

The premise is simple, but the concept high: Weekly, we post our “chats” together about random, unrehearsed and unpredictable topics. Except that while I can use pretty words to get my points across, Matthew can only communicate to me by drawing pictures.

The results are genuinely bizarre. Check out the intro video. Take in a few of our chat stories. You will be sorry. But not because of this. Because of other stuff … you animal.

Who has time to scour the net for recaps of VH1 reality show The Basketball Wives? Well now those recaps about ex-wives of basketball players — none of whom still married but still call themselves “wives” — who shop and eat brunch all day on South Beach are just a click away!

But wait, there’s more!

Included in each recap, photoshopped screen captures of actual episodes! [Little Girl: "Actual episodes?"] That’s right little girl. Like this picture of Ford truck spokesman Mike Rowe made to look like Marvel Comics space God character Uatu the Watcher standing in a parking lot at Toyotathon.

Remember. SlapClap Presents: The Basketball Wives Recaps will not be republished in The Wall Street Journal.

So click now!

Levar Burton has had an amazing career. His big break was playing the main character in easily the most important miniseries in television history. Roots is basically the go-to resource for any parent trying to explain slavery to their kids; forget parents, they use it in schools! Roots was that important, and this guy was the star.

Then he follows it up by hosting Reading Rainbow, a hit TV show for kids. FOR KIDS. Think about it. So growing up your watching this guy teach you how to read and about slavery; he’s in your home your entire childhood.

Although, I guess kids today see him as the Reading Rainbow guy first then, BAM, he’s a slave; then he does Star Trek so at least kids see him go to space.

Self-explanatory.

The fact I find Padma Lakshmi extra-fetching is well documented. So it was exciting news today to find out that Padma gave birth to her first child, a daughter named Krishna. The 39-year old, first time mother, has refused to identify the father publicly, which leads the door wide open for rampant speculation, on my part:

I think it’s this guy. Sean Shinaberry, chief operations officer and investment adviser rep for Modern Portfolio Insurance in Holland, Ohio.

“Why this guy,” you ask? “Why not the venture capitalist heavily rumored to be the father in New York tabloids?” “How would Padma even lay eyes on a guy who lives in the middle of Ohio?” “Isn’t it a bit far-fetched, considering Mr. Shinaberry is already happily married with child?” “Why would a jet setter like Padma date a mild mannered insurance rep with a series 7 securities license?” “Where is the pill I gave you?” “Did you take the pill?” “Did you swallow?” Well. Those are a lot of questions.

“I ate a … sandwich for lunch it was … crying out … to be eaten. It said, ‘Eat me I … just want this over with.’”

“I requested that … the dressing room be small I … don’t want my fear of … performing to … grow to the size of a … much larger room, like a … Osca’ fish.”

“How is my … hair?”

“Baby powder was … invented by babies who … were both named Johnson.”

“I asked … Henry Winkler once … how did he come up with the … backwards chair-sit? He said it was … Marlon Brando who … he saw do it in … a commercial for … Levis.”

“Sexually I … have not lost not even a … step I … hump like a Wildebeest.”

My favorite President of all time is Babe Ruth, because he loved America. So much so he wore baseball uniforms. On the down side, he moved the Indians to places in the country that no one else liked, and I don’t mean the Cleveland Indians- the people ones.

Plus, Babe Ruth cut spending, and when he mounted his stallion, and unsheathed a baseball bat, to fight for our right to brew tea cheaply, he became more than just the nation’s ugliest President. He hit a home run that landed inside the pages of the history book my Pa made for me before he got sent to prison for kidnapping.

There are plenty of great scenes in the movie Cocoon. Too many to name, but my personal fave is when Wilford Brimley takes his grandson fly fishing to tell him that he will be “moving” to “somewhere else.” Then grandson asks if he can visit. Brimley casts his reel, and says blankly to the horizon “No.“

Then the grandson asks Brimley will he ever even see his grandparents again, a relationship the movie took great pains to stress as important. “No,” says Brimley with all the curtness of a “Nope. No way. Next question.” I like the scene so much because it ain’t all about you kid. You want pop-pop to take you to the mall arcade? Guess what? Pop-pop can’t. Pop-pop going to another planet.

My second favorite scene is when old ass Hume Cronyn blows off Jessica Tandy to go caterwauling with a checkout girl. My third favorite scene is when Hume Cronyn punches Ron Howard’s brother Clint in the face, because, as director, Ron Howard cast his brother in a terrible role.

This is part of a TVTV documentary about the 1976 Super Bowl in Miami, starring Bill Murray and Christopher Guest. In it, Johnny Unitas and Paul Hornung, in particular, act like they both, probably, really got laid the night before. Like in a Brazilian way.

Bill Murray has a mustache in it, and he talks to ex-players. Then the ex-players take hold of former beauty queen, and then current NFL Today host, Phyllis George by the arms and pull her onto the field. They chase her around with the ball like it’s a hotel room. She’s a lady in a man’s world! Just like Mika Brzezinski.

At the end, Pat Summerall shows up to class up this bit of an affair. Just as he will have to do this weekend as master of ceremonies at the Scott Storch and Jaime Foxx “Salt & Pepper Girls with Pom-Poms Party” at Club Gassy on South Beach- cash bar. $200 entry fee without a guest pass; $250 entry fee with guest pass.

This kid must think he’s real hot sh*t making fun of the way Jason Mraz sings, but Jason Mraz put himself out there and wrote that song kid. Lets see you write a Top 40 hit, and while you’re at it stop thumbing pick-ups on that ukulele and play the goddamn thing!

I went to a new French restaurant the other day and ordered their Sauteed Calf’s Brain with a Savoy Cabbage, Pancetta, and Brown Butter Sauce. Well guess what? They used chicken stock instead of veal stock. After my waiter wiped the spit from his face he went back into the kitchen to reorder my meal. So thanks Chef, round of applause.

Philadelphia Phillies ace Cliff Lee fell asleep on the mound after 8 1/2 scoreless innings against the New York Yankees in last night’s Game 1 of the World Series. Lee was wakened in the 9th only after Derek Jeter laced a single off of him into right field.

“Wha- what? Yeah! I’m up. I’m up.” he said bleary eyed as shortstop Jimmy Rollins sprinted over to jostle him from slumber.

This REALLY worked, and I bet they weren’t sure it would.

The Daily Show expounds on a familiar premise.

I finally saw District 9. It made some good points about staying away from Nigerians. Plus I liked it when they called the aliens “prawns.” I’m a big fan of that- nicknames. Like, I’m always calling Roger who works with me “Jeffrey Osborne,” because he looks like a sad Jeffrey Osborne. Sometimes I follow him into the bathroom, and when he’s at the urinal I look down at his pee-pee and sing “Can you woo woo woo?” Human Resources wants me to knock it off. “I’ll knock you off, Kim!” That’s my answer.

District 9: B-

Obviously, the sometimes prickly Letterman likes to have on Jay-Z as a guest. It’s hard to nail down chemistry, but whatever Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins didn’t have these two do.