SlapClap

To the Hiro Sushi Restaurant:

Whether you are aware of it or not your new restaurant is creating a major rift in our neighborhood between the people who enjoy using chopsticks to put droppings in their mouth and those of us who do not let droppings anywhere near our mouth.

Also, your store reeks. I’m serious. Do something about this please. It smells like the peaks of the Himalayas. Do you know who lives in the peaks of the Himalayas? Only monkeys.

So here’s an idea: serve hamburgers instead, or anything else besides sushi that smells like droppings from out the butt holes of Langur monkeys in the teak forests of India.

Sincerely,

Sushi Place Across the Street

Dear Sterling Antiques,

Hi. I was in your store a few days ago. Remember, I accidentally tripped and fell and knocked over the entire left side of your store? That bookshelf from the Civil War fell onto those glass ballerina figurines from Tsarist Russia? Then they knocked over Teddy Roosevelt’s crystal fish bowl and the water spilled out on Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s handwritten letters?

I’m so sorry. I left all of those peanut shells on your floor when I ran out. I should have finished the bag outside. This is more of an apology than a suggestion, really.

Signed,

Harry Hamleen

Ps, also so sorry for accidently stepping on those wood flutes Nelson Mandela carved in prison with his own fingernails. When I came back to your store to drop this off in the suggestion box I did not realize I could walk around them.

Green Grow Lawnmower Company:

Hey bud. How’s it hanging? Noticed your lawn the other day. Those blades are getting a little bit long in the tooth don’t you think? I really don’t care but the ole wife and chain likes to make a point of things; i’m sure you got one just like her at home.

Anyways, if you could be a buddy and maybe give it the quick once over this weekend I’d really owe ya. Course you’d have to take that Honda del Sol off its cinder blocks first. Park it somewhere else. Kick ass flames by the way. Hey, you know what? Maybe park it over on Cypress? I swear, the parking over there… it may as well be a parade route.

Digging the new bench press by the way. You working out in your garage a regular thing now, or…?

No rush though on the grass cutting. Just trying to keep the wife happy. “That’s what she said!” From The Office? But if you could cut that lawn by Saturday. We’ve got some people coming over. Family, actually, uh, you know. That would be A-MAY-zing.

Keep it cooley bro,

Corbin Bernsen

To Kinkos:

A young man used to work in your stock room, stood about 6 foot 4? He had a hen-pecked gait, somewhat scolded, and his hair lit a bright orange as it mingled with the midday sun? He used to carry a paperback copy of Franny and Zooey in his behind pocket and hop over sidewalk cracks on his way to buy a soda pop on his lunch breaks? He talked in a moist way to me about paper? I believe his name was Matthew? Can you- does he still work there?

Dear Orange Julius,

As a loyal and life long Orange Julius customer, I have visited store #11C-389 inside of the University mall in Mishawaka, IN at least once a week for the past fifteen years. So it is with a well of regret that I am submitting this correspondence to you. You see, as I was third in line about to purchase a 2-for-1 peach smoothie, as promised by one of your coupon offers, my order was turned away by the manager of the store who then abruptly shut down business for the entire rest of the day. The store did not reopen until two days later, AFTER my coupon had expired on September 12, 2001.

Also, on January 28, 1986, the day of the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion, disintegrating over the Atlantic, I was appalled to find a strand of long brown hair inside my peach smoothie. I suggest your employees be required to wear a hair net. Both hair and coupon are included in this correspondence. Please make payable.

Man Alive Clothing & Apparel:

Why y’all stop selling Girbauds? You still carry those purple ponchos-matching pants sets? If not, why? Y’all store was better in the 90′s. I don’t like your music anymore. Can you change it? I made you a double-CD to play when I’m in there: Disc 1 is the first Jodeci album; disc 2 is the last Jodeci album. Can you make your items returnable a little longer? Like, I bought a pair of black jean shorts in 1992 with teal trim that had Malcolm X’s face on the butt, and they don’t fit in the waist no more.