SlapClap

A brief recap of the trailer for the new Garry Marshall joint New Years Eve, starring everybody. Made for everyone:

This guy with the square jaw puts on a tuxedo to go find Katherine Heigel in New York (this film takes place in New York) because they both want to “recreate the magic” they shared filming Life as We Know It. The one about the baby? It had a baby poop joke in it? Anyone? Except…

Katherine Heigel already made plans to travel to the planet Hoth to ride tauntauns with Bon Jovi for New Years. Then…

The lady from Modern Family and Soul Plane who has all the boobs says something about not enough boxes of fruit in the background of her shot. She is serious, but between her heavy accent and vivacious curves it makes all the men’s pants burst out in laughter. Only…

Zac Efron HATES fruit. Str8 hates it, yo! And he poisons all of it. That’s the END for his part of the story. And no one ever learns anything new about Zac Efron for all of eternity, ever again. Sooo…

Hillary Swank holds a press conference about it to warn New Yorkers (this film takes place in New York) not to buy fruit at bodegas, or Trader Joes, or Occupy Wall Streets (places New Yorkers go). But…

Michelle Pfeiffer, who makes a list of all the fruit in the world to remind herself not to eat any of it, forgets to include Chinese dates which are just like regular dates except super Chinese. Consequently…

Halle Berry, fresh off the set of TNT’s Hawthorne, has to pump Michelle Pfeiffer’s stomach. It’s Catwoman on Catwoman action. And by action, Halle Berry makes Michelle Pfeiffer vomit into a waste bucket. You hear that Mr. Skin? Thankfully…

Hillary Swank has Ludacris for support. Even though her and Ludacris have nothing in common. Meanwhile…

In a different hospital, Jessica Biel decides not to get an abortion so that her baby can be the first newborn of the New Year. Only…

Satan, disguised as Jesus disguised as Ashton Kutcher, tells Jessica Biel “But wouldn’t you rather have the first abortion of the year, hmmmmmm?” Plus…

The girl from… American Idol I wanna say maybe? All the while…

Sarah Jessica Parker clops around Tribeca in a complete circle with a fancy dress on looking for Robert DeNiro. Only to find…

Hector Elizondo. And when she sees Hector Elizondo he asks “Have you seen Bobby DeNiro?” They spend the last 12 minutes of the movie staring at each other. Cut to…

Post credits surprise. It’s Bobby D! He’s on the roof holding a script Tim Allen passed on, contemplating suicide. He says something about it being New York (this film takes place in New York).

Before jumping off the roof, his last words are “Has anyone here seen Hector Elizooooooooooonn…?”

The END.

As scripture tells us, the great Xenu brought humans to Earth 75 million years ago and since then we have been constantly reborn, our souls trapped inside of our meat bodies. That’s a lot of “night and days!”

Yet no day could be as bright — and no night as… not bright? As dark, I guess — no night could be as bleak as today: Knight & Day day. Yay! Knight & Day officially arrived in theaters across the country, and the buzz for this one has been huge.

But SlapClap’s the only place to get an exclusive first look at the stills from international trailer #2 of Mr. Cruise’s new movie, out today! Take a peek:

This is the first time in the movie we get to see Mr. Cruise’s character Roy Miller. It’s also the only time in the movie Mr. Cruise doesn’t wear sunglasses. In fact, he broke Michael Madsen’s record for “the most acting in sunglasses” during the course of filming

The beautiful Cameron Diaz. People tell her all the time that she has a black girl’s ass, and that they can’t believe how much food she eats!

Game face, 2010: Who is Hollywood’s biggest star? Clooney? Pitt? Is it you Cruise… GAME ON!

“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say that I am 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell her real age, and I like to… kick!, stretch!, aaand KICK!”

“I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old.“

The cast and crew take a break on set so Tom lightens the mood, and horses around with his co-star.

This scene was Mr. Cruises idea. He wanted to emerge from the mass of the crowd wearing his sunglasses. It pushed up the total running time of the movie, but features a 3 minute approach shot of slow motion walking.

Tom wears Ray-Ban sunglasses, which have changed in design over the years since he first wore them on camera in the movie Top Gun!

The reviews are in for Knight & Day. They’re calling Tom “…scary … Jerry Maguire good!” That he has “All the Right Moves,” and is “The Firm choice to keep your Eyes Wide… (…)”

A lot of the filming on Knight & Day happened in actual European cities in France and Italy. This was filmed in front of a green screen of one of those cities for stunt purposes.

Tom would like to thank you for being a part of this exclusive first look at the stills from the 2nd international trailer of his new movie Knight & Day. And we would like to remind you that when you take your seats at the local multiplex this weekend remember to BUCKLE UP!

…and turn off your cell phones, please- vibrate doesn’t count. We still hear it. Also, please don’t take off your shoes. (there are people actually doing that at movies now if you can believe it)

The certain key elements that make a movie a SLAP before it ever hits the cineplex.

That total eclipse of the “O” is a bit redundant.

Old and foreboding house in the middle of nowhere, denoting a mood of suspense by harkening back to the shot of the Bates house in Psycho ALERT!

Nic cage is in it. He plays a smart guy. You can tell by all the planets, and that math stuff behind him.

Did we mention he knows sign language?

And has a deaf kid?

Kid, put the paper down. Those numbers don’t mean anything. What’s that? Key plot point? If you say so, but that doesn’t sound very good.

That doesn’t sound very good.

True story: He hugs her and then he says “Don’t let him watch the news.” True story.

Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.

Fake news people just mean that Gary Tuchman didn’t want to be in your movie.

To recap: Nicholas Cage stars in I’m Nicholas Cage and I Have to Figure Out These Numbers, but Quick

People make movies all the time and at great cost. A great movie is as much luck as it is effort, but how do you make a bad movie? Let me rephrase that: how do you make a movie so bad that it’s good? Let me show you:

Beer for My Horses, Drama. Now on DVD

Cast your star as Steve Harvey Toby Keith

CORRECTION: Toby Keith the…sex symbol?

Also cast Claire Forlani to remind us that she used to do love scenes with this guy.

Red state values! They’re folksy so insert them. Make your main character act like a dad through the whole movie: “Pull ya pants up, son.”

Cast an evil international villain (Mexican).

John Woo the action using none of the skill or technique.

Make Willie Nelson be in it.

Is Tom Skerritt in it? Does he look confused the entire time? Well done.

Just end it eventually. Have people dance or something. The End.

Please go rent this movie. I swear.