SlapClap

Make It Rain

We lived through the boom times together. We’ve all seen Patrick Ewing standing next to “Cadillac” Anderson in the VIP of a bottomless strip club; that era is over. Wave goodbye to the salad days when your car cost more than your house, until you bought a new house that cost more than two of your cars. No soup for you, and no more platinum coated wheelbarrows to put your money in and take to the bank. The local gold plated Figaro chain outlet store is shuttering its doors. This is a new era. Don’t believe me? The last rap song I heard on the radio was about how to refinance a fixed mortgage.

I think we jumped the shark last October, around the time Birdman gave Lil Wayne a Louis Vuitton briefcase with a million dollars in it, for his birthday. I don’t know if it happened before or after the first TARP bailout, but does it matter? We saw that, and we knew- we knew it was over. This, sir, cannot last. It was the 21st century equivalent of going to a jazz club to watch flappers perform fellatio on Negro jazz players during a complicated bi-plane maneuver.

So welcome to the new economy rap videos, rap stars, rap producers, girls who ignored me at nightclubs in college, NBA All-Star after parties, Buffie the Body, Farnsworth Bentley, U-God from the Wu-Tang Clan, and that bank who approved my loan to open up a chalice shop on Park Avenue. When it rains, it pours.

(Clockwise: Halle Berry, Forrest Whitaker, Jennifer Hudson, Denzel Washington, Bugs Bunny)

…be honored just to be nominated.

Pre-Obama the greatest marker for Black achievement was winning the Oscar. Just above black head coach in the NFL. Beginning in 2001, black people shot out from under Hollywood’s imperial glass ceiling like from a canon, thanking God and taking no names. First Denzel, then Halle Berry, then Forrest Whitaker, Jennifer Hudson, and Ang Lee.

Even Jamie Foxx. They were even giving Oscars to Jamie f*cking Foxx.

It was nearly enough to make up for Oscar snubs of the past: The work of Keith David as an intimidating black man in Men at Work; Lamont Johnson as intimidating dark skinned black man in Class Act; ‘Tiny’ Lister as big, dark-skinned black man #1 in Friday; and of course, Terry Crews.

Don’t forget the ladies, either. Like overlooked actress Anne-Marie Johnson’s turn as the uptight light-skinned foil in every Wayans brothers movie. Think of her pride, watching Halle accept her award. “Diahann Carroll and me never got our shot to sex Billy Bob Thorton on camera, but I ain’t no ways tired.”

2008 has exceeded even these historic achievements of winning prestigious awards in an auditorium of white people, some Italian. I think we all know what I’m talking about. I won’t spell it out. Don’t have to. Let’s just say, it’s the most prestigious leadership position in the country. For every valley there is a mountaintop.

You know what? I will spell it out. It’s been a long time coming, but America we finally have a black NFL head coach in Cleveland. Yes we can, *Romeo Crennel.

*Scratch that, they fired him.

(pictured clockwise from top right: Alexander O’Neal, Luther Vandross, Ron Isley, The Whispers, Freddie Jackson (2), Peabo Bryson)

… rock a suit out when they romanced.

In the 80’s R&B was far different than it is today. First of all every lead singer looked like your father, dressed like your father, and sang sex songs to your mother while you were still in the room. And they had one other thing in common- no not tax fraud. It’s that all of them bothered to wear a nice suit on-stage. So what’s the matta with that? Was it always a classy suit? Were the fashions always understated? NO. HELL NO- but it WAS a suit.

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… like the Wayans brothers.

I tried telling my seven nephews Buck, Otis, Rick, Wayman, A.C., Stacey, and Cadillac that the Wayans family were actually funny once and they got so mad they took turns flagrant fouling me. But it’s true — I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, Hollywood Shuffle, In Living Color, even that Robert Townsend HBO special Partners in Crime all had their moments (if you can tell me where the quote “call me Aldeman baby” is from I’ll mail you my toaster … seriously).

Then in 1994, China’s year of the Dog, the movie Blankman debuted in August a few months after the last episode of Living Color.

I remember how much was made about Damon Wayans being fired from the cast of Saturday Night Live but I think what the movie Blankman proves is you don’t have to be rubber stamped by Lorne Michaels to get a one-note comedy idea made into a movie. Turns out the ‘blank’ in man stood for stares … at the screen. But a bad comedy can happen to anyone. The real horror is when a comedian tries to be something other than funny and fails. We don’t need to go over that list do we? We do?

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… hang in pool halls.

And then what happened? Last time I saw a black person with a pool stick was the movie Boomerang. Was Martin’s “little speech” that persuasive? (minute 04:06)

Now if I want to see black folks and six pockets I’ve got to go stare at a Good Times painting. Remember All in the Family? Every other one of Archie’s ethnic put-downs had to do with some “darky” who hangs out at the pool hall too much. Meanwhile I went to a pool hall the other day — what a disappointment. Nothing but dip and expensive looking cell phones, and nary another darky in sight. I was expecting someone to hand me a shot of Crown Royal and a knife when I walked in, but it looked like down time on the set of the next Chris O’Donnell movie.

I blame Tiger Woods. He’s got all of us outside playing golf now. Even my seven nephews — Buck, Otis, Cadillac, A.C., Stacey, Rick, and Wayman — have a set of golf clubs … actually they just have one golf club … and it’s a pool stick … they stole from my Uncle Cocheese’s basement. Why?

• Slightly related: Wu-Tang Clan, please phone in. I understand you have a new album almost out and I have an idea for your next video. Ghostface as Jackie Gleason and Bobby Digital playing the young Paul Newman role. Call it The Hustla.