SlapClap

Watchmojo used a complicated formula, based on depression rates, suicides, divorce, unemployment, and weather to rank the most unhappy cities in America. Of course, they neglected to add the “it’s morning in America” x-factor bestowed on us by Presidents and their speech writers. In response, my defense:

#1 – Portland

(click pic)

YES, there is a lot of street trash. Total burn outs- kids with homes and dads who just prefer to ride skateboards and inhale into brown paper bags, BUT there are also men who have blazed trails. Men like Buck Williams (SlapClap nephew and the first robot power forward), and Greg Oden (the NBA’s first Benjamin Button). Portland is also a health nut of a razzamatazz city, and has invented several diet programs, most notably the Pig Champion “shredding cheddar cheese” diet and Kevin Duckworth’s “eat duck for all it’s worth” 5-step program.

#2 – Saint Louis

*Did you know that St. Louis is the unofficial capital of interracial cuckolding? Thanks to a rich history of talented, and immoral, jazz musicians St. Louis was practically founded on the principle of “Black… never go back.” In fact, the rich suburbs of “the ‘Lou” host some of the most elegant, and well-organized, white housewife-on-black male sex parties this side of South Africa. Granted, the extreme dysfunction of race relations is in part due to the cities high African-American poverty rate, coupled with the stubborn, genteel prejudice of upper-class white Missourians, but… I mean, unhappy? That’s a stretch.

*made up

#3 – New Orleans

I’ve been to New Orleans, count ‘em, 10 times, and 9 out of those 10 times were a blast- a blast! I usually go around February. It’s a blast! The booze flows out of the bottles, women occasionally take off their shirts, and they play this weird music at all the night clubs, sounds like angels crying- they call it Fazz or something? What a blast. It’s also a great walking city. You only have to walk up and down one street (Bourbon street, isn’t that hilarious?) to find what you need. This town is a blast, except for that one time when they had to airlift me from my hotel, and my niece contracted typhoid at the Superdome.

#4 – Detroit (Motown)

What they don’t tell you about in the newspapers are all the growth industries in the city of Detroit (Motown): plastic, non-degradable mattress spring protector manufacturers, novelty Aretha Franklin inauguration hat salesmen, Adrian Dantley retro jersey warehouses, weed repellent bi-plane pilots. And don’t ever forget, Detroit (Motown) is the birthplace to some of the greatest music ever made 40 to 50 years ago. Plus, The White Stripes.

#5 – Cleveland

Sure, I had a bad experience at the Cleveland airport once, but… well… Drew Carey. He made it out of that place. Lake Erie is a sight, except in the cool months of late summer when it’s infested with gnats. Also, Harvey Pixar – is it Pixar or Pekar? – he didn’t exactly make it out of there but, at least he’s not a miserable… person.