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To Kinkos:

A young man used to work in your stock room, stood about 6 foot 4? He had a hen-pecked gait, somewhat scolded, and his hair lit a bright orange as it mingled with the midday sun? He used to carry a paperback copy of Franny and Zooey in his behind pocket and hop over sidewalk cracks on his way to buy a soda pop on his lunch breaks? He talked in a moist way to me about paper? I believe his name was Matthew? Can you- does he still work there?

Dear Orange Julius,

As a loyal and life long Orange Julius customer, I have visited store #11C-389 inside of the University mall in Mishawaka, IN at least once a week for the past fifteen years. So it is with a well of regret that I am submitting this correspondence to you. You see, as I was third in line about to purchase a 2-for-1 peach smoothie, as promised by one of your coupon offers, my order was turned away by the manager of the store who then abruptly shut down business for the entire rest of the day. The store did not reopen until two days later, AFTER my coupon had expired on September 12, 2001.

Also, on January 28, 1986, the day of the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion, disintegrating over the Atlantic, I was appalled to find a strand of long brown hair inside my peach smoothie. I suggest your employees be required to wear a hair net. Both hair and coupon are included in this correspondence. Please make payable.

Man Alive Clothing & Apparel:

Why y’all stop selling Girbauds? You still carry those purple ponchos-matching pants sets? If not, why? Y’all store was better in the 90′s. I don’t like your music anymore. Can you change it? I made you a double-CD to play when I’m in there: Disc 1 is the first Jodeci album; disc 2 is the last Jodeci album. Can you make your items returnable a little longer? Like, I bought a pair of black jean shorts in 1992 with teal trim that had Malcolm X’s face on the butt, and they don’t fit in the waist no more.