SlapClap

A brief recap of the trailer for the new Garry Marshall joint New Years Eve, starring everybody. Made for everyone:

This guy with the square jaw puts on a tuxedo to go find Katherine Heigel in New York (this film takes place in New York) because they both want to “recreate the magic” they shared filming Life as We Know It. The one about the baby? It had a baby poop joke in it? Anyone? Except…

Katherine Heigel already made plans to travel to the planet Hoth to ride tauntauns with Bon Jovi for New Years. Then…

The lady from Modern Family and Soul Plane who has all the boobs says something about not enough boxes of fruit in the background of her shot. She is serious, but between her heavy accent and vivacious curves it makes all the men’s pants burst out in laughter. Only…

Zac Efron HATES fruit. Str8 hates it, yo! And he poisons all of it. That’s the END for his part of the story. And no one ever learns anything new about Zac Efron for all of eternity, ever again. Sooo…

Hillary Swank holds a press conference about it to warn New Yorkers (this film takes place in New York) not to buy fruit at bodegas, or Trader Joes, or Occupy Wall Streets (places New Yorkers go). But…

Michelle Pfeiffer, who makes a list of all the fruit in the world to remind herself not to eat any of it, forgets to include Chinese dates which are just like regular dates except super Chinese. Consequently…

Halle Berry, fresh off the set of TNT’s Hawthorne, has to pump Michelle Pfeiffer’s stomach. It’s Catwoman on Catwoman action. And by action, Halle Berry makes Michelle Pfeiffer vomit into a waste bucket. You hear that Mr. Skin? Thankfully…

Hillary Swank has Ludacris for support. Even though her and Ludacris have nothing in common. Meanwhile…

In a different hospital, Jessica Biel decides not to get an abortion so that her baby can be the first newborn of the New Year. Only…

Satan, disguised as Jesus disguised as Ashton Kutcher, tells Jessica Biel “But wouldn’t you rather have the first abortion of the year, hmmmmmm?” Plus…

The girl from… American Idol I wanna say maybe? All the while…

Sarah Jessica Parker clops around Tribeca in a complete circle with a fancy dress on looking for Robert DeNiro. Only to find…

Hector Elizondo. And when she sees Hector Elizondo he asks “Have you seen Bobby DeNiro?” They spend the last 12 minutes of the movie staring at each other. Cut to…

Post credits surprise. It’s Bobby D! He’s on the roof holding a script Tim Allen passed on, contemplating suicide. He says something about it being New York (this film takes place in New York).

Before jumping off the roof, his last words are “Has anyone here seen Hector Elizooooooooooonn…?”

The END.