No matter if I’m slapping fives with the blind guy who sells newspapers on my block, or high-fiving the guy who works at my local fruit stand (also blind), or even when I’m at the barbershop waiting for a haircut from blind Willie (he also owns a newspaper and fruit stand), I always get the same question: what makes a good “slapclap?”
The best example might be The Room, but that’s almost too easy. That’s like saying Winston Churchill would make a good “slap,” or Nazi paraphernalia a good “clap.” [Ed. note: those examples might be incorrect] A better example of a “slapclap” would be, oh I don’t know, this kids toy designed by Mark Ryden- so fraught with psychosomatic distress it would make Nietzsche cry and then vomit. (via)
“Played a show about 11 years back with the Reatards and Marky Ramone and the Intruders. Boy did they ever so fucking blow. Marky got up to sing ‘blitzkrieg bop’ and invited a kid out of the audience to play drums who might have been better than him. Even back then it really ticked me off that this asshole was exploiting one of Americas greatest rock n roll bands ever!” ~Jay Reatard
Been a ton of hub bub about this new “miracle fruit.” It supposedly alters your taste buds, making sour things sweet. All due respect to the “media,” but skateboarders have been doing this for, I don’t know, years. When I was nine, walking home from the dentist, forced to suck on a lime because my step-Great Grandfather caught me playing with his Civil War pistol, I happened past the Young Catholics skateboard park in downtown South Bend, IN to behold a sight:
A young Travis Barker(ish) ‘boarder executing a perfect half-pike spiral 360° inward heelflip maneuver off a kick ramp the size of my step-Great Grandfather’s shrine to Union casualties. My mouth was sore, and filled with citrus, but what I said next is self-explanatory: “Sweet.”
Foreign Exchange: You may recall, three weeks ago the Prime Minister of England Gordon Brown visited the White House, and gave President Obama a gift: a pen holder carved from the timbers of an anti-slavery ship. The sister-ship of the one taken apart and turned into the desk inside the Oval Office. Classy. The President gave Gordon Brown a bag of DVDs. Now I know that sounds less classy, but in fairness the DVD’s were 25 classic American movies, and how would the Prime Minister of a major industrialized nation have seen them otherwise? Suffice to say, the movie discs were not made from an ancient shipping vessel.
Now it turns out the DVD’s only work in North America. Reportedly, Brown popped in Psycho (to see what all the fuss was about) and the phrase “wrong region” appeared on his screen. Wrong region indeed Mr. Prime Minister. Head of England ain’t what it used to be.
Gaffe Machine: Joe Biden may finally have met his match. The non-partisan CBO office released their annual budget projection, with considerably higher deficits than what the White House OMB projects. OMB director Peter Orszag tries to explain:
“The differences arise largely because of differing projections of baseline revenues and outlays. CBO’s projection of baseline deficits exceeds the Administration’s estimate (prepared on a comparable basis) by $1.6 trillion.”
Oh snap, gaffe alert! Cue the gaffe machine! What is this, Tom Bergeron’s America’s Home MoviesMistakes? Hey Orszag, you can’t project revenue from health care reform in outlier years and assume that the cost of entitlements like Social Security and Medicaid aren’t going to keep expanding. Quick, spell potato(e). Got your nose, you f*cking gaffe-tard.
Gatorade’s Just Fine: Direct your attention to the ostentatious events of Sunday, March 22nd – World Water Day – an inescapable marketing blitz by Big Water, probably hatched in Don Draper’s office, to get citizens to drink “nature’s milk.” Free water to every man, woman, and child, in every public park or private faucet, all day long. As my Aunt Petula once told me, “ain’t nothing free in this world.” And she should know; she was a prostitute. The one-day blitz is an attempt by Big Water to convince us that we need to “drink eight glasses of water a day to promote well-being.” What they forget to tell you is that it’s flammable!
I’ve got a lot of reports to look at, otherwise I’d have skimmed through the new Playboy archive site by now. You understand, I just don’t have all the time- maybe you have, to stare at nude women all day. Have fun though, I’ll just be at my desk with these reports, and an office firewall. I’m sure the site is very stimulating though, because of the women. You have fun, but I should be getting back. These reports are not going to… report themselves.
Watchmojo used a complicated formula, based on depression rates, suicides, divorce, unemployment, and weather to rank the most unhappy cities in America. Of course, they neglected to add the “it’s morning in America” x-factor bestowed on us by Presidents and their speech writers. In response, my defense:
Geffen records phones it in (again!), refusing to clasp Adam Duritz by the hand and take an artistic leap off of a dream cliff. Here’s what Duritz has to say:
“The directions we want to go and the opportunities we want to pursue are often things that our label is simply not allowed to do. We’ve worked together for a long time, so they understand the direction we need to go in and we understand why they can’t always go there with us. We all want what’s best for everyone which is why we’ve decided to part ways.”
Look, if Duritz can be cool about it I guess we as fans have no choice but to do the same. Geffen understands the direction that the Crows need to go in, and the Crows understand why Geffen can’t back a concept album called Evolution of the Lute. Hey, it’s whatever duuudes. Shrek Goes Fourth soundtrack money can go somewhere else, I guess.
*P.S., Crow-heads – the March listening party has been postponed until the last Tuesday of the month. Same location: emptied out pool at former drummer Steve Bowman’s foreclosed home. Please bring your own protection.