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Fashion Police: Freeze asswipe!

Perp: Excuse me?

Fashion Police: I SAID FREEZE!

Perp: Who are you?

Fashion Police: Not a clown. I know that. Not like you. Dressed up like some – some circus clown.

Perp: What? My khakis?

Fashion Police: Was that the plan today sir? Run around town like you’re in the circus?

Perp: I’m getting a bagel. I don’t-

Fashion Police: You look like Liza Minelli at a Chess King.

Perp: Hey seriously. I don’t appreciate that.

Fashion Police: I don’t appreciate your pants, sir. So we’re even. Is there a restraining order against them? Must stay 3 inches away from socks at all times. Or are you the real Ed Grimley? Hold on, are those socks blue? You’re wearing brown pants you maniac!

Perp: Stop waving your fingers at me like it’s a gun.

Fashion Police: …and my God, that shirt. Paging La Cage aux Folles.

Perp: What? What’s that?

Fashion Police: The Birdcage? Translated from the French– May, Nichols?

Perp: Sorry.

Fashion Police: Sheezus. Robin Williams plays a gay guy – I know. That’s like Mickey Rooney playing Chinese: you know what you’re getting before you get it. Maybe the other guy actually being gay made up for it. What’s his name? He did the voice of the warthog in Lion King?

Perp: The movie version?

Fashion Police: OF COURSE THE MOVIE VERSION!

Perp: Okay, okay. They made direct-to-video stuff too.

Fashion Police: I think he did all the ancillary media – “reprised the role” as they say. It’s Disney. I mean the royalties alone… That’s some serious “fuck you” money. Gah, why’d I say that? I hate those trendy colloquialisms. “Speak with thine own voice.” But seriously, what the crap is his name? I can picture the face …

Perp: Yeah.

Fashion Police: Yeah.

[Old lady with a walker goes by, stopping to feed a flock of pigeons]

Fashion Police & Perp (both): Sooo…

Fashion Police: These bagels … any good?

Perp: Best in New York.

Fashion Police: BEST in New York? I doubt it.

Perp: Just one way to find out …

Fashion Police: Are you – I’m invited? No ones ever – wow. WOW. That really means a lot. I get pretty lone– NATHAN LAAANE!!!

(edits by @arfortiyef)

All over, people don’t know how to do things. Or they do and they’re not telling you. BUT WE DID. We told you how to do things – all 7 of them – in this 7-part web episodic. And now for our final lesson:

Lesson #7 – “How to Crack an Egg”

(edits by @arfortiyef)

All over, people don’t know how to do things. Or they do and they’re not telling you. WELL WE ARE. We’re telling you how to do things – all 7 of them – in this new 7-part web series.

Lesson #6 – “How to Plug a Plug”

(edits by @arfortiyef)

All over, people don’t know how to do things. Or they do and they’re not telling you. WELL WE ARE. We’re telling you how to do things – all 7 of them – in this new 7-part web series.

Lesson #5 – “Dusting Dust”

(edits by @arfortiyef)

All over, people don’t know how to do things. Or they do and they’re not telling you. WELL WE ARE. We’re telling you how to do things – all 7 of them – in this new 7-part web series.

Lesson #4 – “How to Broom”

(edits by @arfortiyef)

All over, people don’t know how to do things. Or they do and they’re not telling you. WELL WE ARE. We’re telling you how to do things – all 7 of them – in this new 7-part web series.

Lesson #3 – “Putting the Bow on Toilet Business”

(edits by @arfortiyef)

All over, people don’t know how to do things. Or they do and they’re not telling you. WELL WE ARE. We’re telling you how to do things – all 7 of them – in this new 7-part web series.

Lesson #2 – “Turning Water On (Turning Water Off)”

All over, people don’t know how to do things. Or they do and they’re just not telling you. WELL WE ARE. We’re telling you how to do things – all 7 of them – in this new 7-part web series:

Lesson #1 – “Mistake Free Bottle Opening”

And check back each weekday for the next 6 installments.

(A special thanks to my co-presenter Matt Maloney; a special special thanks to the editing wizardry of Mr. @arfortiyef <– follow him on twitter)

When Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling died tragically in that helicopter ski accident so did my dream of landing a TV pilot. Spelling and I had a tacit agreement in place that once my hour long multi-camera medical emergency drama Paramedic Paramour got out of development hell at B.E.T. (the black network) we would immediately agree to the 16-episode deal on the table from Lifetime television (the lady network).

But Mr. Spelling couldn’t hold on long enough to see that dream fulfilled, even after 16 hours of emergency hilltop surgery. And I am left but with a script – a damned fine one – about a super hot male paramedic who saves lives and takes names, but only if those names belong to beautiful ladies. Beautiful lady names: Ivanya, or whatever. You get it.

(click pics)

Today we answer an age old question. Are synthetically designed pills that induce nightmares better or worse than a Filet-O-Fish sandwich?

I am so crushed by politics. These word wizards seducing our vote, using the cotton candy in their mouth to hide a forked tongue. Take this guy, Alvin Greene. He’s like the smoke monster on Lost. Let him speak to you once and you’ve already lost.

The interview makes it clear. He won the South Carolina senate primary with displays like this, unleashing the fevered tempo of his charisma. As if he’d blown each carefully chosen word through the right end of God’s golden trumpet.

“Tom Cruise Appreciation Week” was a joyous success! Thanks to everyone for coming to the site, and sharing in, celebrating, and rejoicing the life and the work of American Hollywood patriarch Mr. Tom Cruise.

It has been a beautiful, positive experience, surpassing all expectations, dreams, hopes and fears. Don’t forget that Tom’s new movie Knight & Day has been officially released. So go to Fandango, or Ticketmaster, and buy your ticket now.

For more information about Tom Cruise you can go to TomCruise.com, IMDb.com, or the official Knight & Day website maintained by the 20th Century Fox studio.

In the trailer for the summer blockbuster Knight & Day, starring Tom Cruise, Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times hails the movie as “the most entertaining made-for-adults movie of the summer.“

So I went and read the review, and then I reread the review. And I guess my only question for Kenneth Turan is, WHAT THE FUCK KENNETH TURAN?

From your review, and I quote:

“It’s hardly a perfect film, not even close, but it is the most entertaining, made-for-adults studio movie of the summer, and one of the reasons it works at all is the great skill and commitment Cruise brings.”

One of the reasons? Oh just one of the reasons then. The other reasons must have been, what, the catering? The key grip who replaced the original key grip whose mother-in-law died during filming?

THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOTHING! THE ONLY REASON KNIGHT & DAY IS THE “#1 MADE-FOR-ADULTS STUDIO MOVIE OF THE SUMMER” HAS GOT TWO NAMES!

Care to guess those two names Kenneth Turan, you piece-a sh*t? Here’s a hint: first name “Tom,” last name “not Hanks.”

Kenneth Turan, you should be fired for missing the obvious.

I hope a monkey with swine flu bites you in the calf muscle. I hate that you remember to breath each day. Put yourself up for adoption, Kenneth Turan!

I stole some hair from you and put it in my locket then I tore down a tree using only a kitchen knife and made it into an altar that I pray to as I burn a piece of your hair inside of crisp parchment with melted Haitian beeswax, and sing lo night sky a murderous hymn that will fell you with a slow, painful loss of will that drips from out your hidehole.

I did agree with you about The A-Team though.

See this guy? This guy is really Tom Cruise! Don’t believe me? Turn away from your computer, and then look back at your computer again.

SEE!

Tom Cruise plays Les Grossman in the movie Tropical Thunder, a fact that somehow escaped me despite having seen the movie twice already (special thanks to Reba Digby’s email for the tip-off). I remember laughing pretty hard when this guy showed up in the movie, but I had no idea at the time that it was Mr. Cruise himself. No wonder it was the best part of the movie. What’s next Cruise, heart surgery???

Ha-ha! Just kidding. The worlds got plenty of doctors- too many, probably. We need you acting.

As scripture tells us, the great Xenu brought humans to Earth 75 million years ago and since then we have been constantly reborn, our souls trapped inside of our meat bodies. That’s a lot of “night and days!”

Yet no day could be as bright — and no night as… not bright? As dark, I guess — no night could be as bleak as today: Knight & Day day. Yay! Knight & Day officially arrived in theaters across the country, and the buzz for this one has been huge.

But SlapClap’s the only place to get an exclusive first look at the stills from international trailer #2 of Mr. Cruise’s new movie, out today! Take a peek:

This is the first time in the movie we get to see Mr. Cruise’s character Roy Miller. It’s also the only time in the movie Mr. Cruise doesn’t wear sunglasses. In fact, he broke Michael Madsen’s record for “the most acting in sunglasses” during the course of filming

The beautiful Cameron Diaz. People tell her all the time that she has a black girl’s ass, and that they can’t believe how much food she eats!

Game face, 2010: Who is Hollywood’s biggest star? Clooney? Pitt? Is it you Cruise… GAME ON!

“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say that I am 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell her real age, and I like to… kick!, stretch!, aaand KICK!”

“I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old.“

The cast and crew take a break on set so Tom lightens the mood, and horses around with his co-star.

This scene was Mr. Cruises idea. He wanted to emerge from the mass of the crowd wearing his sunglasses. It pushed up the total running time of the movie, but features a 3 minute approach shot of slow motion walking.

Tom wears Ray-Ban sunglasses, which have changed in design over the years since he first wore them on camera in the movie Top Gun!

The reviews are in for Knight & Day. They’re calling Tom “…scary … Jerry Maguire good!” That he has “All the Right Moves,” and is “The Firm choice to keep your Eyes Wide… (…)”

A lot of the filming on Knight & Day happened in actual European cities in France and Italy. This was filmed in front of a green screen of one of those cities for stunt purposes.

Tom would like to thank you for being a part of this exclusive first look at the stills from the 2nd international trailer of his new movie Knight & Day. And we would like to remind you that when you take your seats at the local multiplex this weekend remember to BUCKLE UP!

…and turn off your cell phones, please- vibrate doesn’t count. We still hear it. Also, please don’t take off your shoes. (there are people actually doing that at movies now if you can believe it)

Katty Homes and Suri Cruise are the wife and daughter of Tom Cruise, whose new motion picture Knight & Day hits theaters this week. Our all-access pass granted us an exclusive sit down interview with them from the other side of this high school football stadium. Transcript to follow:

—“Katty Homes and Suri, Michael Neal from SlapClap dot com! Our site averages 80 or more unique visitors a month. THANK YOU FOR SITTING DOWN WITH US!”

—“First question, why are you all alone out here? Did you know that this stadium was empty, Katty! ARE YOU AWARE THIS IS A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM?”

—“Katty, it’s 7 in the morning. Why did you call this press conference?”

—“Katty! You look like you want to be left alone. IS THAT TRUE?”

—“SURI! Suri, did your dinner upset you last night? WERE YOU PUT OFF BY YOUR MEAL!”

—“Katty, is Tom Cruise afraid of being stung by a wasp? What would you say is his biggest fear!”

—“Do Suri and Jayden Smith hold within them the same number of thetans? How will that bode for her acting career GIVEN THE SUCCESS OF THE KARATE KID REMAKE?”

—“Katty, is science just magic with God on speed dial?”

—“Suri … Suri … SURI! Don’t ever talk to strangers.”

—“Suri, do you ever talk to strangers?”

—“Is Tom happy with Fox’s decision to give Knight and Day a mid week opening? Why didn’t you get to do the movie Rachel Getting Married?”

—“Thank you Katty! Thank you Suri! THANK YOU FOR SITTING DOWN WITH US!”

(film still courtesy of Mrs. Skin)

“Tom usually plays good guys.” ~Mr. Cruise’s Hollywood agent

We commonly associate Tom Cruise with that of the hero. The white hat if you will. *Roles like Teddy in Rain Man, or his breakout performance as a galactic ship captain in Star Wars 5 have left an indelible mark on the collective subconscious of the American moviegoer’s psyche.

But once in awhile an actor needs to play against type- stretch. Sometimes a tough guy like DeNiro has got to play the dad in something just to keep fans on their toes. Or reverse it, like when legendary nice guy Jimmy Stewart took the role of a lifetime as British Union of Fascists party leader Sir Oswald Mosley in a biopic based on a screed written by H.L. Mencken. Did Stewart’s career suffer from his tender portrayal of this man, reviled by history for his acolyte devotion to Hitler and Mussolini? Sure it did; plenty. Was he a better actor for it? No. He was pretty much just playing Jimmy Stewart through the whole thing, but it kept his fans on their toes.

Mr. Cruise is no different. He grew out his chin hair to play a womanizing cad in Magnolia. He dyed his hair gray to play a hit man in Collateral. He upped his tanning to play the last Japanese samurai in the movie The Last Japanese Samurai.

By playing the anti-hero Mr. Cruise turns his notorious charm on its head. Big time actors don’t get successful by accident, except for Brendan Frasier. They possess within them an intangible quality- an extra something. I don’t know what else to call it: the Vinny Chase ice cream sandwich smile-factor? (TM), by the way.

Call it what you will, Mr. Cruise has it, and in order to remind us of how much of it he has sometimes he plays bad guys. Deal with it collective subconscious of American moviegoer’s psyche.

*sentence trademarked by Warner Press, to be republished in the forthcoming compendium “The Rotten Tomatoes Film Bible.”

These are Tom Cruise’s two ex-wives, Nicole Kidman and Mimi Rogers Weddell! Both are in the acting profession, just like Mr. Cruise.

Keep your SlapClap app wired up, and stay tuned for more updates!