Fashion Police: Freeze asswipe!
Perp: Excuse me?
Fashion Police: I SAID FREEZE!
Perp: Who are you?
Fashion Police: Not a clown. I know that. Not like you. Dressed up like some – some circus clown.
Perp: What? My khakis?
Fashion Police: Was that the plan today sir? Run around town like you’re in the circus?
Perp: I’m getting a bagel. I don’t-
Fashion Police: You look like Liza Minelli at a Chess King.
Perp: Hey seriously. I don’t appreciate that.
Fashion Police: I don’t appreciate your pants, sir. So we’re even. Is there a restraining order against them? Must stay 3 inches away from socks at all times. Or are you the real Ed Grimley? Hold on, are those socks blue? You’re wearing brown pants you maniac!
Perp: Stop waving your fingers at me like it’s a gun.
Fashion Police: …and my God, that shirt. Paging La Cage aux Folles.
Perp: What? What’s that?
Fashion Police: The Birdcage? Translated from the French– May, Nichols?
Fashion Police: Sheezus. Robin Williams plays a gay guy – I know. That’s like Mickey Rooney playing Chinese: you know what you’re getting before you get it. Maybe the other guy actually being gay made up for it. What’s his name? He did the voice of the warthog in Lion King?
Perp: The movie version?
Fashion Police: OF COURSE THE MOVIE VERSION!
Perp: Okay, okay. They made direct-to-video stuff too.
Fashion Police: I think he did all the ancillary media – “reprised the role” as they say. It’s Disney. I mean the royalties alone… That’s some serious “fuck you” money. Gah, why’d I say that? I hate those trendy colloquialisms. “Speak with thine own voice.” But seriously, what the crap is his name? I can picture the face …
Fashion Police: Yeah.
[Old lady with a walker goes by, stopping to feed a flock of pigeons]
Fashion Police & Perp (both): Sooo…
Fashion Police: These bagels … any good?
Perp: Best in New York.
Fashion Police: BEST in New York? I doubt it.
Perp: Just one way to find out …
Fashion Police: Are you – I’m invited? No ones ever – wow. WOW. That really means a lot. I get pretty lone– NATHAN LAAANE!!!