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Jeff Fisher has been made to apologize. The most tenured head coach in the NFL told an insensitive joke. What was the joke, you ask? Did he tell a 15-minute version of “The Aristocrats” in a room full of kids in wheelchairs? Close. Fisher wore a Peyton Manning jersey to a charity event where he quipped, “I just wanted to feel like a winner,” a reference to his teams 0-6 start this season. The crowd politely howled in approval, but in reality we all know that there is nothing funny about football. Right Frank Caliendo?

If there were why would Jeff Fisher have to apologize for what might be the most self-deprecating joke not in a Woody Allen movie:

“This is a very worthwhile and needy benefit and I was honored to be there. …I’m sorry if I offended anybody, but if I had to do it again, I would do it again.”

And that’s about as good of an apology as you’re going to get from someone who shouldn’t have to apologize.

You remember how some kids never took showers after gym class, or if they did it was only after the locker room was cleared out and they had at least two towels? Not a lot of those kids became professional athletes save for one, Manny Ramirez.

How else could you explain why Manny decided to take a shower during the Phillies 9th inning rally to beat his Dodgers in Game 4 of the NLCS? He’s ashamed of his body, of course. What else could it be? Either that or he’s got some kind phobia about communal showers. You know, just Manny being Manny, way too anxious to get naked in front of other people.

This REALLY worked, and I bet they weren’t sure it would.

People tell me it’s weird I carry a 2″ x 3″ inch picture of Jon Gosselin in my wallet, but I happen to like Jon Gosselin. His forceful, preternaturally tan face; the magnetism of ever probing eyes. So much wisdom there. Much to learn. Then people say “Well Jon Gosselin can’t show emotion without his eyebrows.” Well ain’t that a great point!

Mind you, these SAME people had no idea who Jon Gosselin was a minute ago, before I opened up my fat wallet to pay for dinner and it accidentally fell out. Now they want to know EVERYTHING.

“‘Why do you have a picture of Jon Gosselin in your wallet?’ and ‘You told me your new friend’s name was Jon?’ and ‘Is this why your wallet has a combination lock?’ and ‘Are you gay?’ and ‘Why do you cry in bed so much?’ and ‘This is why we’re not ready for a kid- let alone EIGHT!’”

Date. Over.

The Daily Show expounds on a familiar premise.

(Roger Japupnik admires Padma's choice of fish)

Queens born toll booth operator Roger Japupnik just happened to be at the exact same locations as mentioned in last Sunday’s New York Times article “Sunday Routine,” a day in the life of Top Chef host Padma Lakshimi. It’s not creepy. It’s just a coincidence. He just happened to be going where she was going. For instance, the Lucille Roberts on 14th and 5th.

PADMA: When you’re in my line of work, you need every minute you can get on the treadmill. If I get to the gym at 9, it’s not busy, but if you get there at 10, it is. If it’s a light day, I stay 45 minutes. If it’s a leg day, it’s more like two hours. I do squats, I do lunges — I work every part of my body.

Roger Japupnik: “I’m a real gym rat there. I go… what’s a lot? Twice? I don’t know. Toll boof operating is taxing so I need to stay in shape. Lots of cardio there. You know, the treadmill. Leg work. I’d say about two hours just doing legs. I space it out though. Read a People magazine in between reps. Maybe watch other people doing there leg exercises there.”

“Whoa! Is that Ms. Padma? Look at that. At my gym!”

PADMA: Then I come home and I take a shower and I usually go to one or two markets. I go to either Kalustyan’s or I go to Dean & DeLuca or I’ll go down to Chinatown.

Roger Japupnik: “The thing about living in Queens there is, yeah melting pot and all that, but where am I gonna get my hands on spices? Like real ethnic spices? I got to go all the way down to Soho Dean & Deluca to buy a decent, authentic ethnic spice you know? By the way, you ever notice how many mirrors are in that place? You can spot people around any corner.”

“Wow, Padma Lakshimi again! I don’t know what to say? This must be psychic awareness or something. The web of human consciousness, and things like that.”

PADMA: If it’s in the summer, I usually just roll a blanket in my backpack and go to Central Park. When I was little, we lived in Elmhurst, and we would ride the subway in — that was our ritual. My mom would take me to the park, she’d get me a pretzel, she’d have my face painted and we’d listen to music. So it’s almost a very nostalgic pleasure for me.

Roger Japupnik: “Central Park. Wow. A very special place for me. Almost, nostalgia like. I can remember, you know… music and special things like that. People eating on blankets like that. Mommy’s buying pretzel snacks while they listen to the music and sit on the blankets there. Watching- watching the squirrels with my tiny binoculars.”

“Hey, oh my God it’s Ms. Padma again! She’s beaming like headlights in this cold air. She ought to put a sweater on.”

PADMA: I put on some crisp, clean pajamas, make my bed and get back in it. I have these Turnbull & Asser pajamas, they’re really very WASPy, tweedy kind of plaid men’s pajamas. I make a big pot of tea, in one of those big Chinese teapots I got in Chinatown, the white ones with the goldfish on it. I’ll make what’s called a bed picnic. I have a big California King bed.

Roger Japupnik: “I guess a lot of folks are getting that Lasik. The eye surgery thing there? I don’t trust doctors much, but it’s a problem. I lose my contacts sometimes. They just fall outta my eyes like if my allergies act up from say, ethnic spices, or the crisp feel of tweed pajamas in a hamper. Or from laying underneath a California King bed for several hours without moving.”

“Wait a sec… are those Ms. Padma’s feet? I mean they are brown and everything, and they look the same as the plastic molds of her feet I carry in my bag everywhere I go…”

I finally saw District 9. It made some good points about staying away from Nigerians. Plus I liked it when they called the aliens “prawns.” I’m a big fan of that- nicknames. Like, I’m always calling Roger who works with me “Jeffrey Osborne,” because he looks like a sad Jeffrey Osborne. Sometimes I follow him into the bathroom, and when he’s at the urinal I look down at his pee-pee and sing “Can you woo woo woo?” Human Resources wants me to knock it off. “I’ll knock you off, Kim!” That’s my answer.

District 9: B-

“Remember Jason?”

“Jason?”

“Blind guy. White hair? He used to drive around on that special scooter?”

“Yeah. Whatever happened with that guy?

“I think he’s on a Soap now.”

“Get out. Which one?”

“I’m kidding. He drove off a cliff Senior year. You don’t remember that?”

And you’re welcome.

In 1995 during a sketch called “Rita & Her Son” Cheri Oteri accidentally says “look at this shit” after a hockey net gets caught on her house dress. Later during the goodnights, Cheri puts a $1 dollar bill into a swear jar behind host David Schwimmer.

Guess where her On button is?

Claps, white people are digging.

Slaps, white people… not so much.

“Please Please Please Let Matt Maloney Get What He Wants” recreates the wonderful museum scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off:

Suck on it Van Sant.

From Wikipedia: “Samuel Johnson had a tall and robust figure, but his odd gestures and tics were confusing to some on their first encounter with him.”

From Dickipedia: “Samuel Johnson could barely write, but everything he wrote he read, making him America’s foremost expert on kink only Samuel Johnson could stomach.”

Obviously, the sometimes prickly Letterman likes to have on Jay-Z as a guest. It’s hard to nail down chemistry, but whatever Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins didn’t have these two do.

Michael Jordan is about to be inducted into the Hall of Fame – the Clap Academy Hall of Fame.

There are few more evocative childhood memories than the ones tied to my beloved Chicago Bulls. Imagine being a child and latching onto something very early on — a player and a team — and then watching every year as the both of them, fates entwined, struggle to mature, grow, get better, then ultimately win.

And when they win they don’t stop winning. Suddenly that team’s name is synonymous with championships and that player is an international superstar. It’s like being able to say you were a fan of The Beatles since way back when Pete Best was on drums. It’s the perverse pride of being at the ground floor of something that later turns into a phenomena. There is a weird pride in that. You did nothing to contribute to the success of it, but you feel as though you did, and it reaps a lasting emotional reward.

It is also rare to watch someone, in real time, become the absolute best at something. Not just good, THE BEST. It’s happened before of course. We saw it during the seven year run of TV’s Empty Nest when Richard Mulligan became the finest actor of a generation. Then there was that fleeting moment in 1983 when David Copperfield vanished the Statue of Liberty, allowing him to claim title as “the greatest large-objects magician” since Wilbur the Druid Tempest, in 1884, made Spain disappear for five full seconds.

Michael Jordan’s Top 23 Most Memorable Moments

So what was so great about Michael Jordan, besides his prescient ability to never be wrong athletically (excluding baseball, golf, or, actually, anything not basketball)? It could just be the man’s highlight reel. The dizzying string of heroic game winning shots, acrobatic plays and official dunks. Maybe it was his commercials?

Maybe it was his Marx-like range of facial expressions in those Spike Lee commercials? The man emoted facially like someone about to lose to a Keynesian economist at math camp– and by someone, Karl Marx. Maybe it was just that everybody loves a winner. Or maybe it was the shoes? THA SHOOOS!

Whatever it was that made Michael Jordan a seminal figure it all came together at the right moment. In terms of fame, the 90′s were a lot like the 80′s but with slightly rounder edges. You could still be a matinee idol, but corporate culture made more demands on your personality. Jordan marched arm-in-arm, lockstep with those demands, and in return his iconography was captured in front of billions of cameras. Big cameras. Not like the millions of tiny ones, cellular and invasive, we know and use today that smudge our vision of celebrity. Big cameras make you a matinee idol; tiny ones make you the butt of a YouTube joke.

Above all else though, Michael Jordan became the idealized heir to the fame African-American celebrities enjoyed in the 1980′s. Black fame was nothing new, but Jordan came along at a time just after black crossover appeal had taken hold in the American culture and he illuminated its strongest characteristics.

He was as exciting to watch as Michael Jackson but not as erratic. He was as friendly as Bill Cosby but the context of sport gave him permission to be edgy. He was as self-confident as Ali, and as rich as Oprah.

It may likewise be said that MJ’s success laid its own groundwork for progress in this current decade, and for the fortunes of another high-profile black Chicagoan. There must be something about that particular commodity, being from that particular town. The marker tends to get moved.

Welcome Michael Jordan’s career to the Clap Academy Hall of Fame.

(click on pics)

Today we answer an age old question. Are people who go crazy at a zoo better or worse than McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwich?

SPLENDOUR BEACH from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

(via nikitagale)

This video serves as a reminder that in the near-future Grandpa’s are going to want to watch old Tony Scott movies before their robots make them take naps.

P.S. future, the robot’s nap button should not be right next to the assisted-suicide button. The last thing we want are death panels breaking down doors right after lunch.