SlapClap

… like the Wayans brothers.

I tried telling my seven nephews Buck, Otis, Rick, Wayman, A.C., Stacey, and Cadillac that the Wayans family were actually funny once and they got so mad they took turns flagrant fouling me. But it’s true — I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, Hollywood Shuffle, In Living Color, even that Robert Townsend HBO special Partners in Crime all had their moments (if you can tell me where the quote “call me Aldeman baby” is from I’ll mail you my toaster … seriously).

Then in 1994, China’s year of the Dog, the movie Blankman debuted in August a few months after the last episode of Living Color.

I remember how much was made about Damon Wayans being fired from the cast of Saturday Night Live but I think what the movie Blankman proves is you don’t have to be rubber stamped by Lorne Michaels to get a one-note comedy idea made into a movie. Turns out the ‘blank’ in man stood for stares … at the screen. But a bad comedy can happen to anyone. The real horror is when a comedian tries to be something other than funny and fails. We don’t need to go over that list do we? We do?

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… hang out in pool halls.

And then what happened? Last time I saw a black person with a pool stick was the movie Boomerang. Was Martin’s “little speech” that persuasive? (minute 04:06)

Now if I want to see black folks and six pockets I’ve got to go stare at a Good Times painting. Remember All in the Family? Every other one of Archie’s ethnic put-downs had to do with some “darky” who hangs out at the pool hall too much. Meanwhile I went to a pool hall the other day — what a disappointment. Nothing but dip and expensive looking cell phones, and nary another darky in sight. I was expecting someone to hand me a shot of Crown Royal and a knife when I walked in, but it looked like down time on the set of the next Chris O’Donnell movie.

I blame Tiger Woods. He’s got all of us outside playing golf now. Even my seven nephews — Buck, Otis, Cadillac, A.C., Stacey, Rick, and Wayman — have a set of golf clubs … actually they just have one golf club … and it’s a pool stick … they stole from my Uncle Cocheese’s basement. Why?

• Slightly related: Wu-Tang Clan, please phone in. I understand you have a new album almost out and I have an idea for your next video. Ghostface as Jackie Gleason and Bobby Digital playing the young Paul Newman role. Call it The Hustla.