See what my brain just did? Now watch this.

Please, please, pretty please Daily Show keep following these old Jews around during the Presidential election. It’s the realest voter segment on television news.

I call this one “seeing the pattern.” It’s like I told Uncle Frank: “Uncle Frank. Brad Pitt is gay and he’s been weaponized by the government to make love to Ahmadinejad and then pillow assasinate him.”

Related: Gay Bombs, written over a year ago (yes by me).

“And I thought Michael was a hedgehog, and Jack was a fox … And I thought about all the people I knew, and which were hedgehogs, and which were foxes.”

Katy Perry:

I wondered what a girl would be like, so the chorus to ‘I Kissed a Girl’ just showed up in my head, and I thought, ‘Wow, some interesting subject matter popped up from nowhere’

Megan Fox:

I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I bought her things—perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man.

“Won’t someone tell me … where the heck can I find information on this album and where online can I buy it!”

Above: A YouTube comment. And then I hugged my computer.

The Martin Scorsese of getting paid for shit.

Ruth Buzzi, proud mother.

Man suspected of sausage and spice attack set free

12 hours ago

SANGER, Calif. (AP) — A man suspected of breaking into the home of two California farmworkers, rubbing spices into the face of one man and smacking another with an 8-inch sausage has been set free.

Prosecutors say they do not have enough evidence to file criminal charges against 21-year-old Swedish chef Antonio Vasquez. He was released from Fresno County Jail on Tuesday.

Sheriff’s Lt. Ian Burrimond says Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack. Vasquez is also accused of stealing $900 from the home.

There is no listed phone number for Vasquez.

Hollywood scoop: HBO kills Preacher television series.

As it so happens I’m currently in the middle of reading Garth Ennis’s notorious creator-owned comic series Preacher. Or at least I’m at the beginning 1/3 of reading it (just cracked vol. 3). Preacher is about a wayward (yep) preacher in a small Texas town named Jesse Custer who gets possesed by the deity Genisis, spawn of an illicit affair between an angel and demon in heaven. It gives Custer the power of command over any person and compells him, alongside transient Irish vampire Cassidy and ex-girfriend/hitwoman Tulip, to find God and make him answer for abondoning the Kingdom of Heaven once Genisis was born.

The book is a by-the-numbers “slapclap.” It’s one of those books that I tell people I like but not before a thousand caveats. For instance: I don’t like how the thick Texas accents of the characters read on the page, I don’t like the “back when men were men” speechifying by main character Jesse Custer and his vampire buddy Cassidy, and I don’t like the insane grabs for over the top storytelling like having the rogue, one-eyed angel accidently sodomized in an alley in San Francisco.

But I do like the book. Why? It’s big! It’s expansive of imagination and its more juvenile moments are outweighed by its ambition. I’m sold on the trajectory of the story- that ultimately something huge will have to take place, one way or another, for this thing to conclude. And Steve Dillon’s art is very good. It’s too bad it won’t be an HBO show because the series is made for that kind of long serial format. It also distresses me how far HBO has fallen from grace. They can’t get a show going. Where’s F.O.C. by the way? Wait we have to suffer through more Entourage? Slap on you HBO.

Google me bitch. Now you can do it on your phone … well you can already do it on your phone, but now on a Google phone! … well actually the phone is made by the company HTC: leading makers of mobile phones … in the world!!!

Yay?

And their phones will be powered by Google’s powerful Android software, available in all phones perhaps as early as October … well not all phones. Just those 3 seen above, and only through T-Mobile. Not that exciting really when you think about it. I just did. Think about it. Thought I’d be a little more pumped up about this. That’s the sum of technology though isn’t it? Ultimately deflating. (I should twitter that)

Synopsis:

Kate Winslet’s in it. She’s not supposed to be as hot as Jennifer Connolley (in it), but she’s warmer (in it). Jennifer Connelly is married to a sort of relaxed, vanilla dude who suburban hausfrau’s want to dejuice, and then there’s some guy who looks like the Dukes gangleader from episode #15, Season 1 of Happy Days but older and he’s way pathetic because he shot some Black kid- even though they don’t say that we know it.

Wait a minute, Kate Winslet’s husband, who’s hardly in it, is pathetic too and so is the Martha Stewart looking lady at the book club who thinks Madame Bovary’s a whore. You want to know who’s really pathetic? Kate Winslet. I know. She’s the star. Don’t matter though, she kinda hates her kid. But the most pathetic is … the pedophile. **Wocka-Wocka** He also has the funniest scene in an otherwise dim movie, and possibly the funniest scene in any movie over the past two years. Funnier than Superbad, Knocked Up, and Blades of Glory rolled up into one. Funnier than Don Rickles. I’d hate to ruin it. Let’s just say that while the story misses the mark on most things, one of them is not public masturbation.

Alright, alright, alright …

That photo on the left. Shell shocked or fatigue?