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The Fashion industry’s Michael Awards handed out its Retailer of the Year award to CEO and chairman of American Apparel Dov Charney last week. His acceptance speech:

“(applause) Thank you. You know I’ve masturbated in a lot of strange places before but … (laughter. applause) Wow, this thing is heavy. Alright, first and foremost I’d like to thank Dennis Hof, and Alfred Kinsey, and Vinny Gallo for being inspirations. Vinny! Vinny you are the great solo flight of the 22nd century my brother and I will see you in Sao Paulo. I hear it may “snow” down there if you catch my drift.

A lot of people like to label me a creep because I sell plain t-shirts like a hooker in Atlantic City. Well I say it’s not the clothes that make the man, it’s the women who model those clothes who make the man. I am the proud son of belief and excess and I stand before you a king– a new king, humble and golden. Marketing is not a science. Marketing is Lauren Phoenix’s twat, and teenagers, and nose bleeds in restaurants, and Christian conservatives, and Last Night’s Party. That is marketing and that is American Apparel. I am American Apparel. Just kidding, I’m Elvis. I am so God damn (unintelligible) I’m not high. I swear. Wait. Look. No, I can’t find it. Okay thank you! For this piece of shit. My name is Dov Charney. I am not a creep.”

(thunderous applause from the fashion industry)

• credit: Fasionista