SlapClap

Dylan and Cash in 1968. Aquarium Drunkard has 14 MP3’s of tracks recorded at CBS Studios in Nashville and another three tracks from The Johnny Cash Show. These boys could strum your grandma to death (and probably did).

By the way, they say we’re a center-right country now, CBS had studios in Nashville?

Hell is other people?

The New Yorker refuses to publish my submissions to their cartoon caption contest. It’s their loss.

SlapClap caption:

Tell ya what. If it doesn’t fly out this window I’ll vote for Obama.

From Details:

He has heard of a sandwich. An excellent sandwich. “I’ve been looking,” he says, “for a good sandwich in Los Angeles.”

Later:

“I was told that it’s got the shredded lettuce,” he rhapsodizes. “It’s like, you know, a good sandwich.”

Dudes. You shall place no other dudes before this dude. Duuuuuuuuuuuuude!

Barkley L. Hendricks, “North Philly Niggah (William Corbett),” 1975. Oil and acrylic on cotton canvas, 72 ½ x 48 ½ inches. The Studio Museum of Harlem

All the fuss about the G.O.P.’s future now that the election is over but what about the future of S.N.L.? You’re looking at it. Armissen and Wiig are your de facto leadership- consider them Pawlenty and Jindal. Admittedly, Fred’s Obama is not very good but then again whose is? What you want Finesse Mitchell back? Besides politics is done and gone now. It’s time to start delivering past the cold opens. So we say: just give these two the damn ball. Give them two balls matter of fact. Is that against the rules? What sports metaphor is this? Tennis? How many balls does that take? That’s what she said.

Brazilian, of course, and not afraid to turn left.

"You know what would be funny? You know how James Brown is always shrieking?
Well what if he was shrieking singing a song about getting into a hot tub?"

~ (hypothetically) eddie murphy

Since then Eddie Murphy has seriously gone off the rails but during the 80’s, time of the planet-consuming pop idol, he was the biggest, freshest comedian on the planet. His SNL years were but a harbinger. Welcome The Best of Eddie Murphy on Saturday Night Live VHS tape to the CLAP Academy Hall of Fame.

People make movies all the time and at great cost. A great movie is as much luck as it is effort. But how do you make a bad one? Let me rephrase that: how do you make a movie so bad it’s good? What I like to call “a slapclapper.”

Beer for My Horses, Drama. Now on DVD

1. Starring Steve Harvey Toby Keith

2. A sex symbol

3. Cast Claire Forlani to remind us she used to do love scenes with this guy. Great FAIL.

4. Dash of red state values: “Pull your pants up.”

5. Evil international criminal (Mexican)

6. John Woo the action

7. Willie Nelson’s in it

8. A confused Tom Skerritt

9. The End

Please rent this movie. I swear.

“It’s now 2004 and still no word on when Jodeci is going to reunite and bring us the music, [comma splice] we always enjoyed [bad tense]. But, the market isn’t what it uses [spelling] to be. With younger more recycled [contradicts younger] than original music arises and popular than ever before [unclear thought], but there are still a few artists such as Alicia Keys, India Arie, John Mayer [John Mayer?], and Norah Jones to keep ‘music’ alive and well…”

~The Mystery of DeVante Swing. We give it a D+ for not only grammar but timelessness.

Lindsay Lohan is so rich. Did you know she’s from the 1930’s? She traveled in one of those kippy time machines all the way to our future to become a mega-tabloid star getting all gay in the process. She even supports our first “colored” President. America you go girl. Maria Menounos’s reflexive head nod is also quite impressive.

“Software, computers is the most punk rock thing ever.” -Girl Talk

I don’t know much about Girl Talk except that his remix of “Wamp Wamp” by The Clipse a couple of years back was maja. Now I see the footage of him with his fans in the new “I’m A PC” advertisement and am suddenly confronted with the rapidly changing identity of the DJ, from party maker to party facilitator, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

On one hand it’s a great Generation O statement about talent and equality in which we all get to play with the tools in the shed first come first served. On the other hand isn’t this guy just dancing around with his laptop on stage? I can do that at home with iTunes Genius but it doesn’t make me a rock star. Why are these kids so into it? Or are they? Maybe they’re all having “fake fun” as my Grandpa called it whenever he took me to 4-H fair work retreats at the tractor factory where he worked (not made up). Call me crazy but the Girl Talk fans have a substantially less kinetic vibe than, say, the people who went to see Ice Cube live with Redman at the DC Armory in 1993.

Fun fact: At that show there was an unbilled new artist who performed that night, a year before his first solo album dropped. His name was Biggie Smalls.

I couldn’t have gotten less done this week. Try as I might there’s been almost no reason to be cynical about the news. Almost no reason. It’s a new day with a new president, a new historical milestone achieved, new job loss numbers, a new Ryan Adams album, and a new approach to foreign policy. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. The week that was:

**Special Slap Section**

Picture taken today, earlier.

It’s cute.

“Why are you laughing at me?” easily top 10 worst questions to ever be asked. Top 5 if it’s Joe Pesci. Meanwhile …

Hey Joaquin. Don’t you quit on me man. Don’t you dare quit on me. Hey! Wake up brother. Stay with us okay? Joaquin? Stare into the light. It’s only castles in the wind. You bastard … you magnificent ape!

Vitamin Water “Revive.” To quote the bottle: “It’s got potassium and b vitamin to help you recover and feel refreshed - kinda like in those old irish springs soap commercials.” But eight of them Anne? Dating bastards really takes it out of you.

Was lucky enough to catch Jay Reatard at the tail end of the weeklong CMJ music marathon in New York. It was refreshing to still see the youth of today body surf in a crowd. “Reatard” is the post-metal pop-punk version of Jack White but altogether more sincere. Above are 2 songs from his Blood Visions album. You’ll notice how f@*$ing fast and short they are- like sniffing Johnny Ramone’s ashes from off a vinyl cover of Kill ‘Em All.

Hellboy, Vol. 4: The Right Hand of Doom

Mise-en-scène:

1st panel: Room / Box / Box (tight)
2nd panel: Abe Sapien-Hellboy (2-shot) / Monkey
3rd panel: Abe Sapien / Hellboy / Monkey!!!

What to like about this page? The monkey has a gun.

Want to find out more about this picture? Click here to not find out. Why? Because this is just a cheap stunt to announce SlapClap’s latest aggregated growth initiative on something called Tumblr.

The Clapper is the unconscious approval of any and everything not consciously linked to by SlapClap.com including the above picture which, again - and I cannot stress this enough - we have no earthly idea as to the origins of. It just seemed like a cool thing to write something funny about and then, subsequently, to link from on this site while self-promoting yet another blog on the internet.

The next time you take a long walk on a fall day because the person you thought you loved definitely doesn’t love you, or you’ve climbed out of your massive hangover just enough to reach the neighborhood coffee shop, or the diner waitress finally brought over the check for dinner and now it’s time to grip the newspaper, brace for cold, and walk home – before you do any of that – find Neil Young’s After the Goldrush on your Zune (or your iPod) and press it play. You just scored the soundtrack of your life.

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“Don’t Let it Bring You Down”

That happens to be my voice in the role of Zimbabwe Ambassador Mubako. Look out Keith David. Vote funny (i’m begging).